Creative Writing Student's Short Stories Exposed As Unintelligible Gibberish In Spam Emails
"We've got an extensive list of recipients who also received the same or a similar spam email. 2,000 of whom clicked on the frenetically blinking green box labeled "Yes" asking whether they would testify in exchange for a free giftcard to one of five popular restaurants," University independent investigator Brenton London said, adding that the new method of attaining witnesses "guarantees the wheels of justice no longer turn so slow."
London said that Holloway's stories, 'Want to CUm 5x yr hard organise,' 'In towboat,' 'Besked fra hartvigstenholdt.dk,' and the main story, 'Greetings, Whiteman :)' were all lifted from the content of four spam emails Holloway received at 4:36am, 4:36am, 4:36am, and 4:37am respectively on March 3rd, 2007.
"We're already in the process of contacting Casey Q. Bullockz, ADeloris T. Cindy, ChadWicklm Milligan and Embankment O. Overabundant, the authors of those emails, to tell them that their intellectual property remains uncompromised," London said.
London cited a recent case in which a man who received spam from a faceless corporation and posted the spam on his blog to call out the corporation was sued successfully for libel, establishing a precedent that rights of spammers supercede those of their unwitting consumers.
"It's a tough job reading each of those spam emails cover to cover like that," London remarked. "But as you can see, this research does pay off - a plagiarist has been brought to justice, and the right to temporarily ruin people's days through mild annoyance has been defended. :)"
Holloway's creative writing professor, Nicholas DelBanco, says he's shocked at the careless and blatant act of plagiarism on the part of his star pupil, Josh.
"I was so impressed with Josh's ability to use shifting narrative techniques, deliberately poor grammar, alternating historical perspectives, harsh political commentary, fecund sexual complication, and deliberate anticlimaticism, all in the space of two uninterrupted paragraphs for each of his stories, which in the end, still manages to successfully advertise a penis-enlargement drug," DelBanco said. "I really loved the seedy undertone of the narrative, especially the point where the story splits off and becomes a shorn, hopeless cry to the reader for a lifetime supply of experimental human growth hormone. Brilliant."
DelBanco says he was on his way to nominating Holloway for a creative writing scholarship when he got the call that his student had lifted the story from a spam email.
"I had a crisis of faith. I mean, just listen to the way the language flows in the story's manic conclusion," DelBanco said, clearing his throat and reading the following excerpt in his classic husked, velveteen growl.
"Polls show that a clear majority of Americans see the war as a mistake knowhow to annihilate father said, all the time a-whittling, still whittling in what al Qaeda says is the centralized front in this war, ask them this course, you say' said Adrianne Marsh, through the barndoor past the lilywhite expanse, I could see them a-whittling who was finishing a four-day laughing, whittling and scratching, Fluty saying 'Whut we got to worry about, we ain't a-close to them fires' a majority of Americans see the war as a mistake and far fewer in all of Yoknapatawpa Father's the only one always scratching, laughing a-whittling and a-scratching. If the pilot used the full WIDTH 5X YR HARD ORGANISE of the river to turn, 'bout what? Nelly said jingleblandstop. 'Bout them fires in the area. I know'd who dun 'em Father said since May, because the case is been not continuing. Last week's fire was stoked by that durn hophead Fluty, Father said, all the time a-whittling unless the pilot is in contact with."
"With what?" DelBanco cried out to the wind, smoting his breast and tossing his silk beret to the floor. "With what!? :)"
Frances Malin, a fellow student of Holloway's in the workshop, said he was the one who noticed something wasn't right with Holloway's submission.
"I mean, who is this Adrienne Marsh? And where does this whole plane story come from? And what does whittling have to do with anything? You'd have to be crazy on acid to string this nonsense together," Malin said.
Malin claims he was emptying his inbox of trash when one of several hundred spam emails caught his eye.
"I saw the name Adrienne Marsh again, and I knew either Josh was making a little side cash authoring spam emails, in which case I was going to beat the dogshit out of him, or he was just plagiarizing their complete gibberish," Malin said.
Florence McCornall, a colleague of DelBlanco, read some of the stories that DelBlanco passed on, and said that she too was surprised to hear that Holloway had plagiarized spam emails.
"And here I thought he was copying pages of Absalom, Absalom!" McCornall said. She added, "I wonder how many people will get that?"
But DelBanco says he holds out a grim hope that Holloway's case may swing in a favorable direction.
"Just look at the repetition, the casual infiltration of modernism--no spammer could accomplish that! I still think Josh is a natural, a master," DelBanco said, adding with a cry, "Hopwoods all around! Hopwoods all around!"
Holloway says that even if he loses the appeal to the University and is kicked out full time, it doesn't really matter.
"I can just get a degree from AccreditedDegrees@ovh.isd.net, this great place I just got an email about," Holloway said. "They promise me I can receive my bachelor's, obtain a prosperous future, money-earning power and the prestige that comes with having the career position I've always dreamed of, all in two weeks. Who needs this University shit? :)"
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