Panel Finds Alarming 43% Drop In Daily Articles On Proposal Two
Lack of lack of diversity criticized as openly narrow-minded
The panel of professional statisticians, sociologists, and journalists found that the Daily's acceptance rate of overrepresented news about the evil nefariousness of Proposal 2 has declined by 43% since three months ago, and that the admissions rate for front-page articles in particular specifically declined by 79%.
Analysis by the panel indicated that the quality of the minorities-related articles was "of a lesser standard" than news about other overrepresented topics, such as the shitty basketball team, the reappearance of Students for a Democratic Society, or the ongoing fight against plagiarism by Daily staff, the frequency of which has mandated the Daily begin a new ongoing "Plagiarupdate."
An unsigned editorial about the panel's finding authored by the liberal collective of the Daily editorial page held that 43%, considered by many to be distressingly close to 50%, may be frighteningly closer to 100%, which is disturbingly equal to 1.
"What's going to happen if overrepresented news articles completely disappear from this paper over the next ten years because of the passage of this amendment?" former editorial-editor-of-predictable-Daily-rhetorical-lines-of-questioning-passed-off-as-analysis Chris Zbrozek recently asked himself in the Opinion online blog, The Podium. "How could we continue to call ourselves diverse if all we did was write about different news, news much less so-called 'topical' and 'relevant' than Proposal 2?"
Zbrozek continued, "Will Michigan be able to compete with other newspapers that don't openly conjecture without letting the facts speak for themselves? I openly conjecture not."
Zbrozek's solutionless rant, which continued for several more paragraphs and was later published in their Opinion section as though it contained an argument, brought to light fears many have had about the ability of the Daily to continue at its current level of production during a time when contentious amendments aren't about to be or have recently been voted on.
In response, rumors abound that the newspaper may choose to publish less periodically and change its moniker, though some sources say The Michigan Every Four Score and Seventhly might be a copyright infringement on the campus seafaring and treasure-searching publication of the same name.
Other suggestions for the new title of the Daily include The Michigan Journal On Proposal Two, The Michigan Journal on Killing Proposal Two, or The Michigan Journal On Killing Yourself Because Proposal Two Passed.
The panel struggled to find a correlation explaining why the acceptance of minorities-related journalism dropped off in the wake of Proposal Two's passage, offering, "Nobody cares," "The effects of the amendment were blown out of proportion," and "It wasn't worth reading about," as three possible solutions, all of which the Daily rejects on face.
"Just because something isn't worth reading about doesn't mean we're not going to report on it," Karl Stampfl, Editor-in-Chief of The Daily, said in response to the panel's findings on his blog, Editor's Page. "That sort of miscommunication has been the guiding principle of this paper since day one."
University officials are cautioning against not reading into the panel's report on the Daily, saying it still isn't too early to misjudge the amendment's guaranteeably harmful effects on Daily overrepresentation.
"We here at Michigan are committed to labeling any wild peremptory remark about such-and-such's harmful effects as a well-defended, foregone conclusion. The Michigan Difference means giving voice to the irritatingly voiceful, and remaining a university committed to libel and opportunism for almost everyone, especially if they agree with us," President Mary Sue Coleman said, speaking from the steps of the University library in a speech that brought many sensical, sober-minded people to tears.
"The plight of the overrepresented articles at the Daily has moved us deeply, and we want to reassure all news, whatever the tone or font of their print, whatever size of their type, that they will find a warm, overblown welcome at this university," Coleman added to a rousing cheer from yes-men and -women.
The Daily's coverage of non-overrepresented majority articles worth reading about, like the impending acquisition of nuclear weapons by a hostile, hard-line regime in Iran, the persistent threat of terrorism by Islamo-fundamentalist radicalists, and the growing distaste for hypersensitive political correctness by the common man, has thankfully remained off the front pages of the Daily and out of its readership's untroubled head.
In a related story, when asked what they thought of the Daily, nearly everyone polled responded, "Aren't they the paper that misquotes people all the time?"
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