I'll Shave Just About Anything into My Head

By Brent Petway

Most people know me as a senior forward on the basketball team who hails from McDonough, Georgia and specializes in not leading his basketball team to the NCAA tournament.

Those of you who regularly watch Michigan Basketball know me as a guy who shaves wacky things into his head. Sometimes it'll just be a block M. For our game against Ohio State, though, I shaved that winged-helmet logo thing into my head. Remember how cool that was?

But, as any of my friends could tell you, I'm more than just a basketball player, and so I have a wide variety of off-season designs that I just love shaving into the old noggin.

For an exam in my Eastern European history class, I had a portrait of the 17th Century Cossack military leader Bohdan Khmelnytsky shaved into the back of my head. You should have seen how psyched it got the rest of the class.

Another time, on the fourth of July, I had the entire preamble to the constitution shaved into the back of my head. It took a long time, and the barber was pretty tired by the time it was all over, but damned if my head didn't look patriotic as hell.

Now, you biology majors out there might be saying to yourself "Hey, Brent, isn't there hair on other parts of the body?" Well, you're right. And what kind of person would I be if I didn't take advantage of other hair-covered parts of my body to shave fanciful images. I guess you could say I'm into the "manscaping".

For example, I shaved a different one of the seven dwarfs on each of my amply-haired toes (I lost three toes in a nasty dirt bike accident when I was younger, and I don't really like talking about it).

In my ass-hair, I shaved a beanstalk with Super Mario (the video game character, not the wide receiver) climbing up it. Remember how he used to do that in those old video games? It's sweet, because it looks like Super Mario is literally climbing out of my ass crack. Pretty funny, huh? Exactly.

For my chest hair I picked out a really kick ass design where it looks like there's a panther leaping out of my chest. One time my jersey came off during a game and the point guard from Miami of Ohio pissed his pants he was so scared of the panther. It happened, I swear to God. Just ask Lester Abrams.

I shaved biceps into the hair on my thighs. It looks pretty cool, but mostly it's a camouflage type thing, you know? I figure if someone confuses my legs with arms maybe they'll fuck up and I'll be able to pull off a really kick-ass dunk. Well, maybe not, but it'd be cool, anyway.

I know what you're all thinking and I'm not going to tell you. I am not going to tell you. What I shave into my pubic hair is between me and God. And the ladies.

But, if you absolutely must know, I can give you a hint. It's a certain rival Big Ten team's mascot shaved into a position so that it looks like it's performing fellatio on me. It doesn't get much sweeter than that.

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