Bush Regrets Declaring End Of Major Cancer Operations in Tony Snow
After Snow was initially diagnosed with cancer of the colon in April of 2005, President Bush went before the United Nations to address the cancer. Bush called on the world community to join the United States in deposing "a malignant disease that threatens to destabilize [Snow's] very ability to Shiite right."
But the UN defied Bush, merely proposing a minor blockade of Snow's gastroenterological system that, Bush claimed, only emboldened the cancer to follow Snow's digestive system all the way back to his stomach.
After U.S. surgical forces unilaterally removed the colon in a dramatic, pre-dawn surgical strike, it appeared that the malignant tumors in Tony Snow had been more or less eliminated, and Bush was quick to claim the backdoor invasion a success.
Bush delivered the victory speech at a podium set up in front of the hospital at which Snow was treated, wearing a surgical mask and green scrubs and waving triumphantly to the assembled crowd.
Under a banner that boldly proclaimed "Remission Accomplished," the President announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, the tumor has fallen, and Tony Snow is cancer-free."
"American doctors, working with X-ray photography and several Belgian spygmanometers, have secured Tony Snow's midsection faster than anyone could have predicted, in one of the fastest examples of major surgery in modern history."
"We have shown the world the skill and might of the American surgical community."
Two years later, however, the speech has come to haunt the President as Tony Snow's recovery continues to defy Bush's vision.
In the past year, several violent tumors have metastasized in Tony Snow's liver, replacing the ousted colon cancer with an even more virulent strain of the illness.
Critics of the administration allege that President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld did little planning for the post-cancer situation in Tony Snow, and that their negligence has resulted in a bloody resurgency.
Administration critic and University of Minnesota foreign policy fellow Aaron Hamlin decried the lack of foresight on the part of the Bush administration.
"Administration officials knew little to nothing about the situation in Tony Snow when they proclaimed the end of major cancer operations," Hamlin said.
"Anyone well versed in the complicated medical history of Tony Snow's middle regions would tell you that it wasn't as simple as the President made it out to be. Many experts predicted that the cancer would eventually metastasize in Tony Snow's liver and that the resurgency would gain support amongst the cell population in Snow's Lumbar province."
"President Bush, however, chose to ignore these critics, and indeed to ignore the reality of the events being reported from inside Tony Snow."
Critics also say that the resurgence of cancer has had a disastrous effect on Tony Snow's economy, specifically his ability to earn money by spouting apologist rhetoric for the Bush administration.
Congress, too, has been quick to question the feasibility of funding major cancer operations in Snow.
"What we're looking for from the President is a timetable that shows how long our surgical troops would remain in Tony Snow, and what kind of situation they'd be dealing with in there," Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi argued before the Senate Arm-Deep Services Committee.
"If the President can't provide us with that timetable, it may be time to consider pulling out of Mr. Snow, and maybe having him take it on the chin instead."
As the cancer rages unabated, Snow's production of rhetorical bullshit has dropped drastically. Prior to the cancer, Snow was producing roughly ten thousand words of Bush-apologist rhetoric per day. After the cancer's resurgency, however, Snow's production of bullshit has fallen drastically, hovering around three to four hundred words per day.
Analysts project that it could be months or even years before Snow returns to pre-cancer levels of bullshit production.
Plans for ending the cancer in Tony Snow are currently limited to Bush's highly controversial plan to surge over 20,000 mL of cancer-fighting chemotherapy agents into the areas of Tony Snow most affected by the cancer.
Critics say that the surge of chemotherapy agents has little chance of success against the resurgency. Supporters of the President's plan, however, say that it will take time for the chemotherapy to subdue the tumors in Tony Snow, and that critics of the administration need to show more patience.
Bush points to the success of major cancer operations in Republican Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani's testicles as evidence that such patience does eventually pay off.
"Without the bravery of those men and women in surgical uniform, we wouldn't be able to pervert Mr. Giuliani into our party's hostile, hyper-religious candidate of 2008," he said.
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