Yuppie Stock Broker Only Snorts Micro-Brewed Cocaine

NEW YORK - Jake Haney, a stockbroker with the prestigious New York firm of Dugan, Bowers, and Gage, only snorts pricey, imported, micro-brewed cocaine, sources close to the 24-year-old report.

"Every time we go out, the rest of us just get whatever's cheap, you know, like some Columbian Light or something," said Haney's friend and coworker Jeff Bilt. "Jake always has to order something fancy, usually something the rest of us haven't heard of. Then he'll go on and on about how bad regular cocaine is."

"I can't understand how people can still snort these macro-brewed cocaines," Haney said. "I used to do them when I was just starting out with cocaine, when it was all you could get. But as I grow up, I like to think that my palate has matured nicely. With a high quality, micro-brewed cocaine, you can really smell the difference."

"When I was in the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania, and I would go to a coke party, they would always have a ton of the cheapest cocaine you can imagine," Haney explained. "It's okay when you're younger, but I'm an adult now, and I can afford to be snorting quality cocaine."

Mass produced cocaine, or "macros" as Haney refers to them, have a distinct and unremarkable feel, with a bland odor, pale color, and low levels of the alkaloids that give cocaine its kick.

"It's almost like snorting talcum powder," Haney said.

Due to the weak nature of the macro-brewed cocaines that most Americans are familiar with, American cocaine users have a reputation abroad as being lightweights when it comes to cocaine consumption.

"A Bolivian or a Colombian could come here and snort like three or four grams of American cocaine and not even get a buzz," Haney said. "Whereas if the average American cocaine user did that he'd be in the ER with a soaring heart rate and blood gushing from his nose."

Haney elaborated on the standards by which he judges cocaine. "Cocaine should have a nice, earthy bouquet. With good cocaine, you should be able to tell the acidity of the soil the coca leaves were grown in, or what the weather was like in the jungle where the coca was grown; whether it was a wet year or a really wet year."

Haney is currently in the planning stages of a cocaine-testing trip to the famed "cocaine country" in Colombia to visit the sources of his favorite brands of cocaine.

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