Released British Hostages Eager to Start Acting British Again
AP - Iran's release of fifteen British hostages and its conciliatory position regarding their capture marks a major stride in recent world diplomacy. However, detainee Lt. Felix Carmen is relieved to simply be back at home in England with his family."We've been holed up there for weeks now, and everything was beginning to look a bit, well, dire, I daresay," Carmen said.
Carmen has been recounting the harrowing events to reporters.
"There were hardly any cream teas to be had," Carmen said. "Once, maybe twice a day, you'd get a fresh cup of Earl Gray. Oh, they'd bring the tea. But there was...there was never any...never any milk. I'm sorry," he said, adding, "I simply can't go on."
Carmen and his fellow hostages were often unable to sit in deckchairs for more than two hours per day, and at times were required to strip down to their underwear for mandatory delousing and laundry days.
"It's absurd!" Carmen said. "Have you ever seen our bathing costumes? We wear those under our clothes at all times! We English are never newd! Never, I say. NEVAH!"
Other detainees shared tales of similar atrocities.
"There were some days when you thought you'd never strike a wicket again, let alone play a spot of footy," said Navy official Nathan Summers. "We'd be forced to stay up for hours with nothing to entertain us but a newspaper and a George Orwell novel. Have you any idea how depressing that is?"
Summers added that the biscuit supply was "limited at best."
Tony Blair delivered a speech outside Ten Downing Street directly following the announcement by President Ahmadinejad.
"The entire country is welcoming the return of these brave souls, who together constitute over half the population of England," Blair said. "And let me just say, the glorious nation of England welcomes your breeding potential."
The hostages have expressed their willingness to finally get back into the swing of everyday life.
"Roit, les get these buggerfuckers outta tha room, 'eres footy to be 'ad! Oose this poofy Yank, an' whazzee doin' in 'ere? OY! You there, PONCE! I's got summat to show ye! Lift yer knickers and oi'll give ye summat te cry about!" Blair added.
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