WEB EXTRA: Care Bear Cousins Not Accurate Portrayal of Evolutionary Relationships

Campus - Late last month, Jessica Martin's midterm report in Evolutionary Biology entitled "Bears: The Great Evolutionary Link" was quickly dismissed by her professor as "ill-researched garbage" and "entirely based on a 1980s cartoon series." The report, which claimed that bears were the common evolutionary links in at least a dozen species such as elephants, lions, and penguins, claims that these links are proven by the American Greetings creation "The Care Bears" and its spin-off, "The Care Bear Cousins."

"I don't see what the problem is," said Martin. "If I tell you that Sally Jacobs, the fat pig that she is, is my cousin, you'd have no reason not to believe me. Why don't you believe the Care Bears?"

Martin attests that aside from their naming similarities and claims of relation, there is substantial secondary evidence proving a link.

"Both the Care Bears and the Care Bear Cousins live in similar habitats, Care-A-Lot in the Kingdom of Caring and the Forest of Feelings, respectively." said Martin. "Both groups exhibit almost identical behavioral characteristics, most notably a nearly single-minded obsession with caring."

Martin insisted that there was no lack of evidence proving the relationship.

"Don't get me started on their defense mechanisms. Long, drawn-out monologues to evoke an emotional response? The Care Bear Stare and the Cousin Call? You'd have to be an idiot not to see some evolutionary pattern."

Martin's professor, Dr. Benjamin Roth, was not convinced.

"I've seen some crazy theories in my time, but I will not be taken in by evolutionary theories based on a cartoon show."

Upon hearing this, Martin relented on arguing for a regrade of her report based on an addendum called "Disney's Gummi Bears: Dashing and Daring, Courageous and Caring."

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