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Girlfriend Proposes Really Dumb Theory About God

CAMPUS - A casual nighttime conversation about the existence of the Divine Creator between John Anderson and Kelly Daniels, a couple who have been dating since March, yielded disappointing results when it was revealed that the girl's personal religious beliefs were really stupid.

"I think if God is real, then he is, like, everywhere and nowhere at the same time," Daniels' began in her short lecture. "We can't know what he is because he's everything and we're nothing, so we can't think of Him."

"Actually, we can, I guess, if we asked Him to be able to," Daniels clarified later in her speech. "But, I don't know, I feel like He would never let us. You know?"

Daniels, orator of previously underwhelming treatises on the separation of church and state ("Bush Is So Gay"), original sin ("Wouldn't It Be Funny If It Was The Banana Of Knowledge?"), and the limitations of ecclesiastical ceremony ("Everyone Stared At Me When My Phone Rang In Church Today"), continued to underwhelm with her most recent aimless proposition titled, "God Is Like Noise, Or Leaves - You Know, Everywhere, But You Don't Even Notice It."

Asked what he thought of his girlfriend's opinion, Anderson, a philosophy minor, said he attempted to clarify his girlfriend's muddled conjecture with a few leading questions, including, "Do we have free will?", and "Is God immortal?"

"I thought she'd somehow stumbled on the Spinozan belief in a natural continuum and the theory of divine human intellect," Anderson says. "But then she pointed to her phone and said, 'If this floated right now, I would believe in God.'"

"What shit."

Placing importance on the preeminence of the five senses and the role of miracles was, to Anderson, a "complete turnoff," and "damning evidence in the ongoing internal debate over whether I'm only with her for her incredible rack."

Anderson's girlfriend will be holding a brief lecture concerning what the fuck that Eastern Promises movie was about on Tuesday at 9:37 pm, in the lobby of the State Theater.

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