Modern-Day Robin Hood Plunders Comcast Van

"DV-R's for all! Ayayayaya!" cries masked avenger

ANN ARBOR - Cries of "Huzzah!" and shouts of "Long live the Dark Man, freer of the cable-less!" rang through the streets of the city earlier today after the masked public avenger, known to the people as "Cablo," threw open the doors of yet another overturned Comcast van and rained his plunder of cableboxes, routers, modems, and DV-R's on the lowly and disconnected.

"We had nothing before Cablo, the Dark Man, came and freed us from shackles of the evil Comcast men," Loretta Rosita, a bystander of the van's carnage and poor mother of five, said after seeing the Dark Man ride through the streets on his silver-backed Segway. "Now, we are free to roam the busy Internet, selling our wares without fear of lost connection or monthly bills that are sent to the wrong name at the wrong address."

Comcast, a cable company that has made recent headlines by refusing to carry the Big Ten Network and is notorious for outrageous prices and extremely poor customer service, has become a vilified presence in the more digitally impoverished areas of Ann Arbor.

"Before Cablo, we only knew one way - the Comcast way," Rosita said. "There were whispers of a network of dishes. Also of television that came directly to our door. But men who spoke of this would be run out of the town, or even worse - they would be forced to dial-up each of their connections."

"It was horrible, horrible," Rosita said, tearing up. "Cablo has given us new hope."

The first sign of Cablo's existence came early in the morning of October 1st, when the town awoke to find a Comcast installer tied to a tree with RJ-45 cables, coaxial wire binding his testicles, and the letter C cut into his white jumpsuit.

Nearby, the installer's van was overturned, its contents disappeared, its collection of Peter Gabriel tapes totally unraveled. A petition of grievances was taped to the front door, calling for the abolishment of the FCC tax and the c r e a t i o n of a board to oversee the sending of bills to correct addresses. The extreme nature of Cablo's egalitarian methods has incited passion in some, fear in others.

"Cablo is cruel. I do not believe he is a good man," Rafael Antillo, constabulary and owner of burrito restaurant Salsaritas, said of the Dark Man. "With Comcast gone, who will rule? No one? That will be anarchy. I do not prefer anarchy. I prefer to pay the FCC tax, whatever it is."

Cablo has denied all interviews, preferring to maintain his anonymity. Instead, he chose to send a mild-mannered, unremarkable representative to speak for him.

"Cablo's demands are simple: a public apology from the president of Comcast; the instatement of the Big Ten Network; and a cease-and-desist on those public service announcements with that smiling, bitchy woman," completely unmemorable friend of Cablo Paul Shriek said to press officials. "Without these things, the humiliation of Comcast underlings will continue until the revolution to other cable providers is complete."

"Comcast will not be the only game in town much longer," Shriek added.

While the town waits for Comcast's response, pockets of resistance have already begun to form. Around every corner, secret societies of men discuss the next appearance of Cablo. There is the chill of resistance in the air.

"Actually, Comcast isn't so bad," Rosita added. "They just hooked us up with free HBO."

A spokesperson for Comcast issued the following statement: "For information about your billing, press one. For problems with your router, press two. For more information, please, stay on the line."

"We're not exactly sure what the Phantom of the Opera music at the end of Comcast's statement was meant to intone," Shriek said. "Yet methinks the winds of change are blowing down from the mountains, and out of the darkness, Cablo will bring light."

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