Hockey Season Started And You Had No Idea

ANN ARBOR - While you were in your bedroom trying to decide whether to study or masturbate, the National Hockey League launched its 2007 season. The news reached you via an eight-word sentence flashed across the bottom of the screen on CNN ticker.

"Huh. That's still around?" sources report you saying. "I wonder how Yzerman's doing."

Sources report you were aware that the league existed in the past. You were even a fan, and watched the final game of the 2002 season when the Detroit Red Wings won, and then cheered and congratulated yourself and your buddies for working so hard and standing by your team through the good and the bad. But after the 2004-2005 season was canceled, you became slightly apathetic and even xenophobic.

"You know, I really hope they banish all those idiots back to Canada," you commented, unprovoked and to an empty room.

Some of the lack of buzz surrounding October's league-wide launch, and Detroit's October 3rd launch in particular, was born of the fact that you couldn't stumble across the games on television even if you tried. In fact, hockey shares its network with other hands-off sports you hate, including Pro Bull Riding, the Arena Football League, and anything having to do with fishing.

While you do find it hilarious to get smashed and yell "FUCKIN' PULL THAT DUDE OVERBOARD" when you watch big-game fishing shows, you're usually doing this around 4:00 AM on a Sunday, and hockey isn't aired then.

Though the NHL is aware that you're ignorant to the start of its season, it denies a widespread problem.

"Look, we're like a week in. The product is good, the teams are becoming more equal, and we're not going to have another work stoppage for maybe a dozen years. And our TV audience has increased by literal tens, even without you," the NHL said in a statement released early Thursday.

When asked if you had any other plans to not notice stuff, you said that you were "pretty on top of things."

"Everything's been good since that war in the Middle East ended," you said. "You never hear about that any more, do you?"

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