Creepy Guy, Random Girl Join Hands In Historic Ceremony
Peace accords signed as women, social retards find common ground
"This is an historic day for weird guys everywhere," raved Anthony Allor, a line of spittle dangling from the corner of his lip.
Allor, a representative for the leering, socially awkward population of males on campus, gave a speech before an audience equal parts woman and skeezball on the importance of treating all equally.
Of the accords, Allor said, "We can now go in peace to the computer labs where we belong."
He added, "I hope they put the pictures from the ceremony up on the internet soon."
Danni Dell, a U-M Senior, President of her sorority, Dance Marathon board member, and representative of Michigan's rando female population, charted the path to reconciliation in her speech.
"We were watching 'Beauty And The Beast' when Tricia said something about how nice it would be if all the ugly guys on campus were, deep-down, really good-looking rich men who owned castles," Dell said. "For all their faults in personality and hygiene, maybe marrying them would allow us to sing with our maids and polish candlesticks all day."
"We knew that was bullshit, but we decided to be nice anyway and show up to this poor guy's ceremony."
The groundbreaking reconciliation was hammered out in a session stretching long into the night, as creepy guys and random girls debated the merits of their ongoing social war.
One, Gina Coolis, argued passionately for the ongoing separation of creep and babe.
"Without boundaries or divisions, sketchy guys will always be coming up to us and asking us what our names are and what we're interested in," Coolis said. "Signing these accords would be jeopardizing the delicate balance that keeps us feeling better ourselves, and them feeling hopelessly inadequate."
The session appeared to be deadlocked until one of the randos proposed that a campus annexation, so that certain areas of campus become designated "Hot" and "Not-Hot."
The campus "will find peace" where, up until recently, one could only expect outright an war zone.
Bums, vagrants, and skinny guys were given parts west of First Street. Unfuckable fatasses were allotted the area surrounding State and Packard, for Big Ten Burrito's sake. Pseudo-hipsters and fully-formed Hipsters were granted Catherine and Ann. Additionally, the large population of good-looking funny guys with great personalities were granted border-crossing immunity and access to all female zones on campus, with the stipulation that they only remain friends with no prospect of ever dating them, ever.
Women will now be allowed to roam free amidst a bevy of suitable male mates, while creeps can socialize with a group with which they share much in common.
Disparaging remarks and patronizing looks "will no longer be cast about by the fairer sex, indiscriminately striking the multitude [of creeps/babes]," Allor promised.
Other accords included the unanimous approval of no meaning "no", the invitation of Sally Hilgendorfer to prom in a confident, unawkward way, and the dismantling of any and all Facebook groups opining the shortage of hot guys at Michigan.
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