DPS Reports 47% Increase In Overage Drinking By 24 Year Olds
CAMPUS - A report released last week by DPS officials tells a troubling story about alcohol citations given by DPS officers to minors over the age of 21.The report said that minors abusing alcohol in bars, restaurants, clubs, and the sanctity of their homes, has risen by almost 47% among people aged 21 to 24 years of age.
"The trend we're seeing is not surprising," said DPS officer Pat Comley. "Our officers are much more vigilant than they were in the past, and are catching more 21 to 24-year-olds as they walk through the streets than ever before."
"Absolutely no one should feel safe driving home from the store with a lawfully purchased, unopened wine bottle in the trunk of their car."
The initiative taken by DPS to recriminalize drinking for overage people is intended to show "that Ann Arbor is not the kind of place to go around enjoying yourself."
Comley offered sociological reasons for the rise in alcohol abuse.
"For some reason, kids think it's 'cool' to drink once they turn 21, probably because of the influence of TV shows like the Simpson's and South Park."
"And rap music, don't forget about rap music."
Major In Possession citations are taking a toll on the graduated-already student body.
"I just can't believe I managed to last until 23 before I got my first MIP," said financial analyst Tomey Burns. "I hope this doesn't threaten my chances of getting the job that I already have."
"Wait...what?"
DPS officers are quick to point out that nobody under 30 will escape the campaign's umbrella.
"We modeled our latest campaign on the [people] that work at Ashley's," Comley said. "We don't care if you've been there many times, we certainly won't ask you politely whether you have any ID, and we definitely expect a sizable tip," said Comley.
"Remember kids and adults: Just because you're legally allowed to drink doesn't mean we aren't legally allowed to break your balls for no reason."
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