Campus Males Scavenging For Breasts Before Winter Hibernation

CAMPUS - The recent drop in temperature has not gone unnoticed by the population of males in Ann Arbor. The past two weeks have seen significant increases in lecture attendance for males, with psychology and communications lectures seeing increases of as much as 200%

Behavioral science professor David Gornash attributes this behavior to the rapidly approaching hibernation of the female breast.

"A cold shift in weather patterns triggers an evolutionary response in males, warning them them that the very same tits that were bursting forth out of low-cut tube tops during the fertile summer months will soon be squashed under countless layers of Northface.”

University graduate research has shown that, beginning in November, campus females on average display 87% less cleavage, compared to summer and the early fall months. Additional research has shown that the delicate curvature of the female bust is approximately 70% less defined in the winter months, an angle many argue contributes to Seasonal Affective Disorder.

"Without cleavage, the males on campus have no reason to leave their homes. Their one hope is to claim a pair of breasts for their own before the first snowfall, and bury them under their blankets," Gornash reports.

Biology Professor Fred Handsley, who sponsored the research, offered his interpretation.

"Can we prove that the correlation between breast visibility and the probability of a male student attending class represents a genuine causal relationship? Of course not. But I can sure as hell tell you why I hate teaching during the winter.”

Certain male students have even reported symptoms of depression with the onset of winter.

“You kind of lose touch with what life is really all about,” said LSA junior Brent Dole, regarding his recent depression. “You know how they say that the most suicides occur during the holiday season? I think it’s because nothing could be less kind to the breast than snow.”

"Fuck snow."

Female students are also feeling side effects of the hibernation.

“It’s almost impossible to find a male tutor or study partner during the winter,” said LSA sophomore Kelly Thurgood. “And if you do find one, they usually have their heat on way too high in their room.”

Thurgood may have had an additional comment, but this reporter sorta zoned out staring at her friend’s boobs.

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