Brandon's Halloween Costume

By Brandon Gudger
Demon-Weed Hell-Hound

If I could be addicted to anything, it would have to be to candy. Almond Joys especially.

Not like my girlfriend, Crack Sally. She's addicted to Mounds bars. And crack, dude.

So imagine my surprise when I was a kid and it was as simple as showing up on somebody's porch in a fright wig with a pillow-case and just getting the stuff for free. Candy, not crack. Sally's got a problem, man. Me, my only problem's figuring out what the "M" stands for on M&M's.

When I was a kid, people were all, "Oh, Brandon, what are we this year?"

"We're Brandon in a fright wig, man."

Being a kid was dank.

That all ended the one year me and Joel poked our legs through grocery bags and said we were busted condoms. It was a loss of innocence like the fall of Satan from Heaven, but like Satan wearing a grocery bag on his legs and a fright wig on his head. That wig goes everywhere I go, man.

Satan probably wears a fright wig too, though, those things kick stellar ass.

So I've been smoking tree and reading Milton lately. A dude has to find things to do with a dude's time besides wearing a fright wig and watching Zardoz.

Speaking of, my DVD copy is scratched like you can't even believe. It freezes every time I get to that scene where a bare-chested Sean Connery is carting his guy friend through the forest. It'd be totally gay if Sean Connery weren't uber-manly, which makes it cool to watch him running around naked.

It's not gay, dude: It's Sean Connery.

Where was I? Oh yeah, it's Brandon's costume time again. Every year it's the same worry - how can I dress up and still maintain my essential Gudgerness? That essence that separates the Gudgers from the Crack Sally's, apart from the fact that we're not addicted to crack and they are. And is Joel gonna give me shit for going as the socket to his plug?

Joel's a real gaywad sometimes.

I could always go as Hunter S. Thompson. The costume caught on the first time I wore my aviator's for two whole years. I guess the shape of my skull invited the comparison. Plus I got a speech impediment from sniffing glue and people thought I was mumbling like I was on acid.. I was like, "No, man, I'm on glue like in a diorama".

I think I smoked out of a diorama once.

Anyway, it's a good costume because people give you complimentary tree a lot of the time.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Brandon's Halloween costume. So I was Hunter Thompson in like 5th grade and got into whiskey for the first time. Next thing I remember, I'm running through the forest, tripping and getting scratched up and shit. My arms looked like Crack Sally after she's gone crazy, except with less track marks.

I woke up spread-eagled on the University golf course. It was noon, November 1st, 2005. I was playing eighteen holes with Joel, who was baked as shit. I didn't even know I owned golf clubs. Don't ask me how, but I still managed to finish the back nine.

I'm thinking of going as Dr. Strangelove. That movie is smart as shit. The library keeps calling, saying they want it back. That's the difference between me and Crack Sally: the library calls me, the Parole Board calls her. And crack-heads call her too, dude.

I could always go as myself and claim I was my little brother, Frank Gudger. We look a lot alike, except that he's a freshman and isn't addicted to candy. Or tree, for that matter.

Or I could go as myself, cough a lot, and say that I'm mono. Ironic Halloween costumes are the shit.

I guess I could go as irony. That'd be tits, man. It's more ironic than anything. Except if I said I was going as irony, then went as nothing. That'd be, like, 7 different levels of irony, which would be more ironic than going as irony.

Cough.

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