Eharmony.com Pairs Kanye West With Self
Lovestruck Singer: "I'm perfect for me"
"I always knew there was someone special out there for me," West remarked while gazing at his reflection, delicately stroking his upper lip with the tip of his tongue, and his pony-white sunglasses. "I mean, I deserve the best after what I've done for the music industry, for America, for the world, for the entire universe, and Kanye West is the best."
Noticing he had rhymed "West" with "best," West began composing a rap song dedicated to his new lover, throwing in random references to God and Jesus when things got slow.
"It was like Jesus walked up in here and matched me with my soul mate, know what I'm sayin?" Kanye, West's lover, replied as he admired his betrothed's trapezoidal jawline and awkwardly puffy cheeks, whilst stroking the sexy prickles of hair that poked through the soft skin on his chin.
"I've been so busy with myself lately. This mancandy demands a lot of time, but I don't mind. There's no one I'd rather be with. This is a match made in heaven, and it will certainly be added to my chapters in the latest edition of The Bible."
Spokespersons of Kanye West claim that, since the eHarmony matchup, West has doubled the amount of time he spends grooming. Reports indicate that he has installed mirrors to cover his bedroom walls, with conspicuous holes carved out of each mirror slightly below the height of his waist.
When asked whether his newfound love would make him soft, West laughed off the implication.
"I'm still a hardass motherfucker, but when the time comes, I go home to my own loving arms."
"Like I told ya'll before, George Bush doesn't care about black people, but that don't matter cause Kanye West does. And God does too."
In a related story, God's status as "in a relationship" with black people has reportedly changed to "in an open relationship."
Back