Guy Living In Shitty Apartment Wishes He Lived In Shitty House

PACKARD - Friends of Wally Dunn, local resident of a shitty apartment on Packard Street, have confirmed allegations that the LSA Junior would prefer a shitty house to his shitty apartment.

Dunn, whose first-floor apartment looks out on an overgrown, beer-can-filled window well onto a lawn of mostly crabgrass and faded Keystone Light boxes, has expressed a desire to move into one of the shitty houses across the street where he would have a view of his old shitty apartment building and the Cottage Inn Pizza on the corner off Hill Street.

"Over there, I could really be [not a drunk]," reportedly said, staring out at the colonial across the street where that guy apparently got sodomized last year.

Dunn’s greatest motivation for the supposed move appears to be his yearning to have one of the many unmowed, semi-grassed Packard yards which ensure that passersby know definitively that they are looking at student housing.

"Any asshole could live in an apartment," Dunn says. "It takes a real college student to sit out on their porch all Friday evening playing pong."

"That's when I'll know I've really made it."

Dunn added that if he had a yard on Packard, he'd totally host beer pong games on the lawn and leave the table sitting out for weeks so the empty cans blew all over the sidewalk and neighborhood, "just so people know that a college man lives there."

"Maybe I could even get a ficus plant, to brighten up the room."

Dunn added that he'd probably water the ficus plant sometimes.

"Or get one of them cactuses. You never have to water them things."

Current reports are still inconclusive as to whether Dunn would continue moving on up by lining his windows with empty liquor bottles.

Utterly Bland Person With No Talents Or Aspirations Joins MFlicks

CAMPUS - Eric Masterson, a U-M Freshman from Sterling Heights, MI, who is completely lacking in personality, talent, and drive, joined MFlicks earlier today after deciding that what he really wanted out of life was to show free movies to people.

MFlicks, a UAC group whose sole purpose, it seems, is to completely ruin most people's nights by handing out 8000 "tickets" to sneak previews for an auditorium that seats 400, exists, according to their mission statement, "just to have fun."

"Actually, I've decided it's not even that I really want to show movies for people, and I don't even like fun," Masterson said shortly after joining the UAC group.

"It's just that MFlicks is also full of utterly bland people with no talents or aspirations. Showing the movies is largely a byproduct of boredom."

"Yeah," Masterson said, staring at his shoe before yawning. "I don't know."

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