New Two-Billion Dollar Movie To Star Everyone In Hollywood
After ten weeks of a crippling strike by the Writers' Guild of America, Miramax Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Lions Gate Films, Castle Rock Entertainment, Disney, MGM, Viacom, and thousands of other corporations, producers, distributors, financiers, and indie outlets have pooled their budgets, attempting to reach the arbitrarily set two-billion dollar budget mark, most of which will go to paying the actors' salaries.
"The idea we had was that everyone loves to see a lot of famous actors in a movie and what they do to each other - like when Alec Baldwin all of a sudden was in Pearl Harbor lecturing about airplanes and it was like, 'Whoa! I didn't expect him!'," Steve Strahan, CEO of New Line Cinema, said.
"Audiences will love trying to spot all of their favorite actors and actresses, from the lead guy and girl, to the side guy and girl with the less-complicated love story, to the taxi cab driver with most of the funny lines, to the to the out-of-focus guy eating blintzes in the background. I mean, think of it - that blintz guy might be John Malkovich!"
The film, tentatively titled Le Film, will be the story of a down-on-her-luck girl, a guy who breaks all the rules, a bank robbery, a jewelry heist, a murder, a rape, two warring nation-states, an oncoming hurricane, a corrupt banker and his wooden dolls, a biopic of Sir Frances Drake, the drug trade, believing in your dreams, and finding your way back home even after all seems lost.
Le Film will be directed by Francis Ford Coppola, Joel Schumacher, Peter Bogdonavich, Nora Ephron, Quentin Tarantino, the Coen Brothers, the late Robert Altman, James Cameron, and Woody Allen.
"Without the need for extras or set designs and a script sewn together from the hodgepodge of a hundred other scripts, production could begin as early as today, when Anthony Hopkins walks through that door and grabs his morning croissaint," Strahan said.
The film's directors reportedly want to avoid the idea of a central plot, emphasizing the idea of a story that builds and aggregates over the limitations of a linear narrative.
"You know, there might be ten, I don't know, fifteen climaxes by the end of Le Film," Woody Allen, who will direct the final ninth of the movie, said. "But, you know, people still won't have time to be exhausted - you know, like my wife gets after, you know, I make love to her - because, who knows? Guy In Sweatshirt Listening To Headphones #2 might peek around and turn out to be Michael Cera or Wallace Shawn or something."
"I don't know," Allen added, clearing his throat. "It's so profane."
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