Unhappy Freshman Decides To Stick It Out After Wikipedia-ing University of Michigan

CAMPUS - Freshman Rob Oakley wasn't enjoying his time at Michigan all that much, following the football team's season-opening loss to Appalachian State, the cold weather, lame party scene, arrogant student body, unexciting classes, and now, an administration that appears utterly uninterested in what students want from a Michigan degree. But Oakley says he's decided that the University of Michigan is a much better place than he originally thought, gaining a new appreciation from the description of the University of Michigan on its Wikipedia article.

"After a lonely semester spent isolated in Bursley, I was eager to spend winter break with the only friends I have - the ones I made in high school," said Oakley. "However, when my friends started telling me how sweet Michigan must be, I couldn't help but agree - Michigan has an awesome reputation on the internet."

Oakley's friends regaled him with stories about time spent with new college friends, forcing him to invent people he had been hoping to meet at Michigan anyway.

"There's Katie - my girlfriend - who is really smart and cute and into Modest Mouse," said Oakley. "And there's Brandon and Joel, these two stoner guys who are really generous with their tree and hilarious to hang out with."

"Not to mention Farto, this big guy from New York who is just a tank when he drinks. He always gets the girls."

Oakley, now rolling, started quoting from what had been a desperate late-night, Red Bull-fueled search of the University of Michigan on Wikipedia during which he discovered facts that he had missed during the orientation tour. Oakley had missed most of the information due to tuning out his tour guide when she talked because her voice was annoying and she was so ugly.

"Oh, I think we're still the best football team in the country. Certainly the winningest. And we consistently rank among the top institutions in both academics and athletics," said Oakley. "The numbers really speak for themselves here."

Oakley conveniently left out the girls with baggy sweat shirts, spray-on orange tans, tight non-pants, large gold-rimmed aviator sunglasses, and oversized taupe purses who refuse to give him the time of day. He also forgot about the stupid fucking New Yorkers.

In particular, he became most excited when his friends reminded him that the fictional character Ari Gold from the HBO TV series Entourage had received his MBA from the University of Michigan.

“I mean, ARI GOLD, man! If Ari comes out of Michigan looking as sexy as he is now, then count me in,” exclaimed Rob's wide-eyed friends.

Despite bearing witness to Michigan’s embarrassing football season, Oakley is finally able to be prideful of his Maize and Blue colors. Not only did Rob learn that James Earl Jones, Selma Blair, and Madonna all attended Michigan, but he won $100 off a bet that there wasn't a Michigan flag on the moon.

"That's just something you learn when you go to Michigan's Wikipedia site."

In a related story, Wikipedia, which had previously served the sole purpose of settling drunken bets made between comrades, now stands in loco parentis aiding unsure college students when deliberating whether or not to stay in school.

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