Emily Dickinson Themed Valentines Day Party Achieves Record Sarcastic Attendance
"Though ‘tis been centuries since we have seen a crowd scarcely visible on the horizon, as we turn our heads toward eternity in love I fall, the death of me,” recited a flailing Kneeler.
"And I'd really hate it if any boys were here, because boys are stupid and gay and I hate them.”
The Emily Dickinson Club, characterized by an anti-social reputation as well as a general distaste for men, celebrated Valentine's Day in style, reciting their favorite passages from Dickinson's most memorable poems such as "I heard a fly buzz when I died," "A charm invests a face," and the less well known, "Poetry be damned, I need me a man."
The theme for this year’s party, “Because I Could Not Stop For Cupid—” was responsible for enticing members that normally would have remained in their dark basements, to experience their solitary numbness in a more public setting. According to club president Mary-Beth Kneeler, it was a team effort on behalf of many reclusive individuals.
"Our members don't care for sunlight as it fades complexions and wedding-dresses."
The Grand Ballroom at a local Marriot Inn & Suites was transformed over night into a magical Valentines Day atmosphere for the celebration, full with little candy hearts that read “Love is Loneliness,” paper decorations of Cupid that appeared to have the heads ripped off, and a candle-lit shrine to Emily Dickinson.
Gertrude Stollewit and Isabelle Gonnard, the two women who attended this year’s festivities, arrived in what sources say were off-white wedding gowns that appeared never to have been used.
“We usually only leave the cellar twice a week; once for the [club] meeting, and once for a trip to the grocery, but we agreed to come for the sake of correcting the stereotype that hermits do not know how to be a functional part of society,” whispered Gonnard.
Thirty minutes into the party, officials at the Marriot Inn & Suites say the party peaked in rowdiness when Stollewit offered to walk home in the rain.
“I am not sure why we keep hosting this party every year,” said waiter Thomas Battle. “They should take this satanic shit into a forest or something. I just feel bad for them.”
With this year’s groundbreaking attendance, Kneeler plans to rent a moon bounce for next year’s party, celebrating the life and work of Sylvia Plath.
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