Students 4 Landlordz Sweeps MSA Elections
ANN ARBOR- Studentz 4 Landlordz, a group of landlords and landlord-sympathetic students formed earlier this month and dedicated to landlords’ rights, made a clean sweep of all available seats in the Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) elections following four months of a grueling campaign.S4L is led by local landlords Yong Chin Kang and Albert Pacsimoniwiczyk aka “Skip”, who will be MSA President and VP next year. The two campaigned on lower costs for renting an apartment and more freedom to choose arbitrary fees on leases, as well as bashing the administration for being the administration.
"Mary Sue Coleman pays absolutely nothing for her digs on South U. That’s not only offensive to us landlords as people, that’s offensive to us landlords as landlords,” Pacsimoniwiczyk announced during his acceptance speech, adding, “People are landlords, too.”
“If I were her landlord, I would divide that house into the smallest divisions physically possible and charge her for owning 14 one-bedroom studios.”
Kang was almost too emotional for words, but spoke through an interpreter, saying, “If I could caulk all your bathtubs right now, I swear to you I would.”
Kang then charged everyone in the audience for suspicious gouges to the kitchen wall.
S4L defeated MAP, the Michigan Ac- tion Party, a coalition of beautiful, talented people with perfect resumes and clean, pretty teeth, and DAAP, the Defend Affirmative Action Party, a coalition of ugly, maladjusted people with altruistic resumes and teeth of questionable repute. DAAP is contesting the election’s results, which they consider racist and homophobic.
“We didn’t win, which is exactly what Malcolm X predicted,” said DAAP president Kate Stenvig.
The U-M student body is still getting over the excitement of another MSA electoral session.
"I feel like I am stoned off of local academic election excitement,” breathed Sophomore Eric Kannt. “When they released the MSA slates last November, that was like taking my first big drag from the electoral blunt, and then by the time the flyers and emails from people whom I have never met and would probably hit in the face if I ever did started encroaching on every visible inch of my life...well, that was like some coked-out, democratic fuckbinge.”
“We’re all coming down now, detoxing, but it was a wild ride.”
While past years have seen apathetic student response to MSA candidacies ranging from disinterest to extreme irritation, this year was different. Some have cited piggybacking effects related to interest in the national elections. But Professor Brian Regent has alluded to a “perfect electoral storm” as the source of increased student involvement.
“In the past, election promises centered around issues such as improving campus safety, mental health service initiatives, and the like. It’s not hard to surmise that these are issues your average student really does not care about,” explains Regent. “This year, however, the shit hit the proverbial fan with platforms like S4L’s fun ‘More $$$ 4 Land-Lordz’ platform, which featured colorful dancers, free food, and a surprise visit by aging celebrity Abe Vigoda.”
“It was hard to look cooler than S4L looked with ‘M$$$4L-L’, as MAP unfortunately found out.”
Junior Chris Johnson confirmed these sentiments.
“I don’t do drugs, but I guess if I had to compare S4L’s campaign to anything, it would have to be one of my hardcore pornography binges - the kinds I have to wait until Saturday to do because they leave me drained, bloodied, and nearly devoid of oxygen come Sunday. Voting for them was the explosive orgasm I never had.”
MAP, which faces electoral extinction, will likely fade into MSA’s crowded graveyard of defunct parties.
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