Trashy Girl From Your High School Gets Pregnant, Engaged

STERLING HEIGHTS - Amber, also known as that girl from your high school with the red dye job who always shopped at Kohl’s, announced her engagement to wed last week, which probably had something to do with how she’s got a bun in the fucking oven, sources close to you and the piece of trash are reporting.

Amber and, um, maybe that guy she was dating in high school, recently announced their engagement in a feature in the Sterling Heights Sentry, and are planning to wed in a ceremony at St. Blase Catholic Church, though they’d be better off at the Taco Bell/ Pizza Hut for all the time they spent there masturbating each other while on break.

The lucky gentleman - that dude Brad, or Brett, or Allan, yeah, his name was totally Allan - is currently employed as a mechanic. Allan received an associate’s degree from Macomb Community College, and also works part time as a personal trainer. Yeah, a personal trainer, even though he ate only Flaming Hot Cheetos every day for lunch in the cafeteria. No pizza or fries or anything. Just the Cheetos. You sure want health advice from him.

Sources are also reporting that he and Heather were doing it in the 9th grade. Sex. Not just blow jobs and shit, but the real deal. Heather will be the bridesmaid. You can’t write a sillier tale than that.

Those close to the couple will remember the lovely bride for her really tight tube tops that let everyone see her nipple piercing and the tattoo of Tweety Bird on her arm. She was pretty dumb. Remember one time in government class when she straight up did not know who John F. Kennedy was? She was dumb. And now pregnant and engaged - unreal.

Announcements have been sent out via internet mail, meaning the couple is so poor they thought putting it on Facebook counted as an official announcement. Fucking facebook! You know how people get engaged as jokes to their friends of the same gender? Well, this one’s engaged for real.

One can only hope to be invited to the presumable shotgun wedding. Plans are in the works for one of those wedding cakes with the hella thick frosting. You know, from Costco. Shit. You should call her.

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