Carefully Crafted Freshman Identity Shattered by Hometown Friend
Green, the only student from his Fairfield, Connecticut high school who attends Michigan, has spent the entirety of his first year telling his new friends cool high school anecdotes that happened to other people and pretending to have always liked Girl Talk and M.I.A.
The carefully laid foundation of his new life was shattered last week, however, when hometown friend and University of Chicago freshman Noah Fish visited for the weekend.
“We (Green and his undeserved friends) started to hit a bottle of Black Velvet,” recalls fellow Smith House inmate Kevin Rose. “Then Nate’s friend from home said ‘Oh, you drink alcohol now, Greeny?”
Green, who had told everyone in Smith House about the fictional ragers he hosted at his fictional beach place where his parents didn’t care what happened, began to blush noticeably.
“Nate told me he lost his virginity sophomore year to a freshman at Brandeis on a family trip to Boston,” recalls friend Patrick Scanlon. “Then that friend of his from Connecticut asked him if he had gone all the way with a girl yet. I had no idea Nate was such a bitch.”
Green’s projected persona was further eroded when Fish stated how much he missed “the two of us just hanging out in my basement playing video games and ping pong every weekend.”
“I always thought Nate was sort of cool I guess,” said Smith House social kingpin Teddy Solberg, “but after his douche friend came it’s pretty obvious he’s full of shit. I bet he doesn’t even really know the drummer from Death Cab for Cutie.”
Green reportedly tried to salvage his college reputation by discrediting Fish as a “total jokester”, but all hope was crushed when Fish pulled out the pair’s high school yearbook from his backpack and showed everyone the pictures of Green at Quiz Bowl Nationals.
“I bet you still have the date of every Vivaldi concerto at the tip of your tongue, you crazy bastard,” remarked Fish to Green.
Smith House’s social clique has reportedly severed all ties with Green upon the revelation that he is and always has been a boring loser and douchebag virgin.
As of press time, Green was attempting to rebuild his image by asserting he “totally knows a guy who writes for The Onion.”
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