Gary Kasparov Defeated by IBM's "Deep Throat"

LAS VEGAS, NV--In yet another much anticipated showdown between man and machine, Gary Kasparov was defeated last week by IBM's latest chess playing supercomputer, Deep Throat. The match against the obviously wilier machine had Kasparov fans baffled.

"He really got off to a bad start. In his opening move, he shoved a pawn forward eight spaces, wavered back, moved a little to the right, dropped it, and then moaned," longtime chess aficionado Harold Wilkins said. "I was thinking to myself, 'That can't be legal, can it?'"
[A Frustrated Gary Kasparov Clutches his Head in his Match Against IBM's 'Deep Throat']
A Frustrated Gary Kasparov Clutches his Head in his Match Against IBM's 'Deep Throat'

Kasparov, who during most of the match had his eyes closed in ecstasy, continued to confuse onlookers with his series of jerky, illegal moves. Later in the match, Kasparov clutched his opponent's black rook, licked his bishop, beat the chess clock many times in frenzied succession, and finally knocked over the board, earning a disqualification.

"When the judges disqualified him, I had no idea what was happening. It isn't like Gary to just throw a match like that," Wilkins said. "He seemed really nervous or excited. Maybe he was ill. Maybe something was happening under the table. I couldn't tell from where I was sitting."

The defeated Kasparov was visibly shaken after the match. When asked what his main difficulty was in taking on the computer, he cryptically replied with just one word, "teeth".

IBM's newest machine is being hailed as a major step up from the Deep Blue supercomputer, which did not run on the proprietary OralSex/2 operating system. Project leader Susan Gregory was not surprised that the new computer performed so well. "Kasparov went down to Deep Blue last year, and we used a whole new bag of tricks for Deep Throat," she said.

Meanwhile, many in the chess community fear that Kasparov may be losing his edge. "Usually when Gary loses a match, he goes into a deep funk for months," explained long-time associate Gary Coleman. "While in this deep funk of his, he usually scribbles pictures of his opponent in Hell, complete with screaming demons, lakes of blood, and the crying damned. He is, indeed, still doing this for Deep Throat, but he is also drawing little hearts all over the page."

A rematch is scheduled for late February. In the meantime, the design team will be performing what is described as "quality assurance testing", although Kasparov has reportedly begged IBM to have rematches several times a week starting as soon as possible.

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