Anthropology Majors Study Each Other In Attempt to Understand Why Anyone Would Major In Anthropology

"If We Can Understand This, We Can Understand Anything"

ANN ARBOR, MI -- Michigan's anthropology department has embarked on a massive project to unravel one of the fundamental mysteries of human existence: why anyone would major in anthropology.

"This is a really exciting time," said Steven Beckett, a wiry, 28-year-old anthropology grad student, "not only does this study have society-wide implications, but if it is successful I can get my mother off my back for not doing engineering."

Beckett, like most anthropology majors, has had a hard time explaining to the world at large the motivation behind his curious field of study. "It's gotten so bad that usually I just respond with a 'hell if I know' and then walk away quickly."

Beckett s mother echoes these sentiments. She says anthropology offers no job prospects, no societal respect, and that "studying little ooky people in the jungles and whatnot doesn t sound very interesting to me." She also demanded that "Knot's Landing" and "The A-Team" be put back on the air.

"Sorry about that. She gets a little confused when she gets worked up and misses her medicine," said Beckett.

Anthropology majors are seeking other anthropology majors to interview, which is not always an easy task. Finding such a student who will admit publicly to his field of study is a rare event, and so some students have resorted to interviewing themselves in mirrors. Others have created imaginary friends to interview, and some even interview their hamsters, iguanas, or chia pets.

Even so, project leader Ivor Drakov says that the early returns have been encouraging. "Of course, over 95 percent of respondents are undecided, but we have uncovered 0.5 percent with mental disorders, 1 percent with Freudian issues, and a full 3.5 percent with nothing better to do."

Two years ago, 99.5 percent of all anthropology majors were in the "undecided" category. Drakov calls the study a "quantum leap in knowledge".

Chemists and Dean Stockwell have disputed this claim. Chemists say that Drakov wouldn't know his quanta from his gluons if a gamma ray disrupted his genetic structure. Stockwell points out that he offers guidance for all Quantum Leaps(TM) and has not received any kind of royalty check from the University recently.

Drakov later revised his claims about the study to a "whole lotta learning going on."

Nevertheless, the anthropology department maintains high hopes for the future of the project. "I mean, if we can understand this, we can understand anything. And then I can finally get some chicks, maybe," said Beckett.

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