U Heeds MSA Request

3 Billion Dollar Monorail System Installed

Students headed for North Campus today were pleasantly surprised to discover that the University assembled a $3 billion monorail system from 2 - 2:30 AM last night. The monorail, which has routes to places as diverse as North Campus, Michigan Stadium, and Epcot Center, was requested by MSA a few weeks ago.

"Actually, we just said the University should install signs at every bus stop that would tell you when the next bus will get there," said MSA President Bram Elias. "But I guess this is pretty cool, too."

MSA has been derided by many as unimportant and impotent, but the successful installation of a three billion dollar hyper-speed cross-country mega-monorail will certainly change those perceptions. "This will make campus forget all about our unsuccessful student regent campaign," said Elias.

"What is this regent?" asked LS&A senior Chuck Dawkins. "What is this ?MSA' you speak of?"

The monorail will be a huge improvement over the outdated bus system for students travelling to North Campus, Meijer's, or the Orange Bowl. "Now I'll never be late for a date on central campus again!" said 3rd year mechanical engineering student Gerald Lesterson.

"Dude, I thought we were going down there to play Centipede at NUBS again, like we do every weekend," responded a friend of Lesterson.

"Shut up, dorkwad!" retorted Lesterson.

Despite the monorail's hefty price tag, Athletic Director Tom Goss expects it to be a huge source of revenue. "Our new monorail website, www.monorailgoblue.com, is expected to generate 300 billion dollars in advertising, as we expect seven billion people to visit the site daily."

Some have criticized Goss' numbers as unrealistic, but Goss has endured skepticism before. "Sure, some people think the athletics website was a waste of money, but they haven't seen the stadium cam we have. You know all those people who leave during the game? We'll they're going home to watch grainy 28.8k Real Video, presumably because they have no TV. And are afraid of large gatherings of people. And didn't discover this until arriving at the game. And can't remember what the last game was like."

The abrupt installation of the monorail has left many former bus drivers without jobs. While some drivers are being retrained to operate the monorail trains, others will have to obtain jobs as prostitutes. Most likely to be successful in this endeavor is the "Hot Bitch Bus Driver," known to her riders for her stunning good looks and sassy tongue.

However, Bob Marat, a driver popular with students for his jovial bus presence and friendly banter, is an old man, and has thus not been able to find work. "Rackham and the Power Center, watch your steps now, have a nice day. Good day. Goodbye. Have a good day..." commented a twitching, spasming Marat. "Next stop, Jack Daniels and Colt .45."

Despite the poignant plight of former bus drivers, campus is abuzz over the new transportation system. There are even plans to extend the monorail to exotic locales such as the Amazon rain forest, Livonia, and Alpha Centauri.

Even University President Lee Bollinger is excited about the new monorail. "I left my '86 Pontiac Grand Prix running on Bonisteel Blvd. when I saw the silver streaking monorail speed on above my head. Yo, I be riding the silver bullet all day, man, even if I don't gots no place to go!"

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