"What Would Judas Do" Apparel A Big Hit

Satan, like denim, has been around forever, and, like denim, Satan is making a big comeback in the fashion world. Ample evidence was on hand in New York last Friday, when Satanstyles, Inc. put on its annual Fall show.

"The Accuser hasn't been this cool since Judas Priest was big," said sassy E! fashion critic Wendell Holmes. "Evil hasn't been chic since the mid-80s, but now the retro appeal is just stunning. It's dark, baby. Growl!"

Beelzebub has defied God for thousands of years, but few thought he could defy the fashion gods for very long.

"Surprisingly, God has made a big coolness push in recent years," said Holmes. "A youth movement started in the early 90s is now culminating in an array of Christian bands, clothing, and accessories. This unprecedented surge in God-cool naturally gave the King of Thieves quite a shock. Only now is he responding with his new "What Would Judas Do" line of apparel."

The One Who Must Not Be Named was caught off guard by the changing times. "I don't know how the hell people ever started thinking that acting like your parents, not drinking, not having sex, and caring about other people was cool," said the Prince of Lies. "Fuck that. You know what's cool: torturing kittens."

The new WWJD slogan is appearing on bracelets, t-shirts, bumper stickers, and leather dog collars across the nation. WalMart has had difficulty keeping the new merchandise in stock.

"Normally we would refuse to sell Satanic goods," said WalMart CEO Rodney Stimps, "but DAMN, I look S-E-X-Y in crotchless leather pants." Stimps later added, "Jesus is just totally not cool any more."

As part of the launch, an entire hellish media blitz is planned. Satan has been visiting GAP stores across the country to promote his new line of demonware after filming his "Everybody in Genital Piercings" commercial. Additionally, there are plans for a tour with hard rockers Korn, Limp Bizkit, Marilyn Manson, and B*Witched, and the Dark Lord recently guest-starred on "Moesha".

"Moesha was great," said Satan. "The roiling undercurrents of hatred and dissent on the show really mesh well with the whole Devil ethos. Plus, Brandy's ass is just spectacular."

However, certain media outlets have turned down Satanic offers. "The WWF said no," said Satan. "Apparently I'm neither sexy nor violent enough for professional wrestling." Nevertheless, Satan is confident that his message will get across. "Come back to me, children," he says. "Leave your vaguely wholesome power-pop behind. I will show you a new era of cool."

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