"Bootyquake" Shakes South Quad

Blast of Puffy Destabilizes Continental Plate

A seismic disturbance measuring 6.1 on the Richter scale shook South Quad to its foundations last night, killing twenty and wounding one hundred and twelve. The disturbance is being characterized by seismologists as a "bootyquake", caused when bass-thumping, booty-shaking rap or techno music suddenly bursts out from a hype-class speaker system and causes massive, society threatening damage to the continental plate.

Seven bootyquakes have been recorded in the South Quad area in the past year. At least five of the seven seem to have had their epicenters in 7120 Thronson, home of undecided LSA&A sophomore Randall Craven. Seismologists are not surprised.

"Craven is in possession of the San Andreas X3-4000JL Mark V Supafly Megahype Speaker System with Terabass Booster. Similar speakers have been causing bootyquakes all over the world, wherever inconsiderate rich assholes can find an outlet that does not explode upon connection with the X3," says Willis Jenkins, chief seismologist of the United States Bootyquake Investigation Squad (USBIS).

The latest bootyquake has been classified as an A-1 threat to both national security and the boundaries of good taste. "I mean, this is just my opinion, but Puffy is a total hack," says Jenkins. He went on to state something about how there was a crack in the Earth's crust and we were all going to die blah blah blah.

While Jenkins' interminable whining about grave danger simply bores people, his controversial stance on the music of Puff Daddy has startled the music industry.

Says twelve-year-old Puffy fan Julie Cooper, "Puff Daddy is obviously the most important and influential musician ever. Seriously. He is clearly even more important than such luminaries as the Backstreet Boys, Five, and 98 Degrees are. And, as a twelve year old suburban girl with far too much money to spend, the music industry must cater to my every desire."

Jenkins, in between long, boring ramblings about Armageddon, pointed out that all Puff Daddy has ever done is remix other people's songs and talk over them, something a moderately intelligent monkey could accomplish with the aid of a decent producer.

The prepubescent Cooper then called Jenkins "totally lame" and said he was just jealous of Puffy because he was cute, talented, and way more successful than Jenkins would ever be. Jenkins then hit Cooper over the head with his Nobel Prize.

When asked what he thought about the entire Puff controversy, Craven said, "WHAT?" When asked again, he again said, "WHAT?" When asked very loudly a third time, he said, "DUDE, STOP YELLING, YOU'RE HURTING MY EARS."

Puff Daddy responded to the controversy by releasing a short statement that read, "Ha, ha, suckers! Now I have all your money and you can't have it back!"

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