Elliot Ness Exhumed, Brought Out of Retirement by AAPD

In a move designed to crack down on underage drinking, the Ann Arbor Police Department disinterred the body of former Prohibition enforcer and Untouchable Elliot Ness last night. After reanimating the body in a dark necromantic ritual, they offered the zombiefied corpse of Ness a position at the head of the newly formed Ann Arbor Vice Squad.

Said Samantha Tucker, head of the AAPD's Undead Recruitment program, "We are ecstatic to welcome Elliot Ness, or at least the body of Elliot Ness inhabited by a demon whose name we dare not speak lest our souls be rent from our bodies, back to law enforcement."

The AAPD has been struggling to combat underage drinking lately. Officer Ben Bradley explains: "Well, we were getting pretty bored. I mean, really, what else are we going to do?" Bradley also expressed hope that Ness would bring lots of exciting raids and shootouts to the Vice Squad.

Area religious maniacs were not pleased with the Satanic overtones of the rituals involved. "Lo, indeed spirituous beverages cause woe in the soul of man, but, verily, the corpse's soul has been given unto God, yea, and should remain," said Preacher Mike. "Anyway, he's probably a homosexual. All dead people are. Gay! Gay!"

The University of Michigan's Greek system regarded the news with suspicion. "Dude, it's not like we're that guy, you know, that guy who ran all the booze in Chicago. Tip of my tongue. Real bad dude, really. Dang if I can remember his name, though," said Albert Capoan of Phi Alpha Gamma. "This is over the line. Totally."

The fraternity's fears may stem from Ness' first, halting speech given shortly after the bloody ritual that cursed Ness to his current, unnatural existence.

"I promise that the society-corrupting threat of alcohol will be stamped out in this location just as it was in Chicago," said Ness, "See here, crooks, I'm gonna uphold the 18th Amendment until the day I die, er, day I die again. The day I end my Un-life? Anyway, as soon as someone finds my goddamn arm, you bootleggers are really going to get it, see? Also, grrraaaargh! Brains! Must eat brains!"

Certain human rights groups expressed concern that Ness was not fully in control of himself and was thrall to unspeakable demons who, if let loose, would wreak unspeakable torment upon humanity. The AAPD discounts such claims, however.

"Michael Eisner is very busy running Disney right now and doesn't have time to wreak unspeakable torment upon anyone, let alone all of humanity," said Tucker. "Please, people, try to quell your irrational fears that this undead horror-beast will destroy your souls and embrace our irrational fears that underage drinking is ruining society."

Don Johnson could not be reached for comment.

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