Central Campus Invites Estranged North Campus To Thanksgiving Dinner

Both notice churlish South Campus hasn't touched her turkey

ANN ARBOR, MI – After fifty-four years of giving each other the silent treatment, North Campus and Central Campus decided to put aside their differences this November and try to have Thanksgiving Dinner like a normal family. The two cited that this would be the first time they have spoken since their separation.

"It was a rough couple of years," said North Campus. "Things have been...things are hard up there, you know? Long winters, longer nights...not much for a man to do, all alone by his lonesome."

"This dinner will be, um...it'll be great. It'll be just great," he added.

The separation was reportedly brought about after the two campuses found they were unable to resolve their ongoing issues.

"I just couldn't live like that," said Central Campus. "North Campus was very young, and just wanted to talk about math. And what with the civil rights movement and affirmative action going on, I just couldn't handle it. All he would do was skulk around, muttering in binary and compulsively masturbating."

"We were becoming two very different campuses, and we needed some time apart," Central said of the two's early relationship.

Mary Sue Coleman arranged the event in an attempt to reconcile the longstanding grievances between the two.

"For too long, the feud between the two campuses has forced our students to take long bus rides and learn Mandarin," Coleman said. "This Thanksgiving, we hope that we can resolve these issues and try and get along like a normal university."

The separation occurred directly after Thanksgiving 1952, when North arrived late.

"We could smell the architecture on his breath," Central recalls. "He had blueprints for an aeronautical ventillation system in his coat pocket...please, I, I can't..." Central declined further comment.

"Look, I was going through a really tough period in my life," North said. "My admissions policies were...they were loose. I went after sub-standard candidates for entry, I let everyone in. If a kid could hold a calculator, I'd spread my doors for him. Especially if he was Jewish."

It was also around that time that Central began inviting in students of "a diverse nature."

"I will be the first to admit that I was...inclined, toward students of...diversity. But that was just a phase!" she pleaded. "I'm over that now. Proposal Two really changed my life."

Said Central of her admission plicy, "I've been clean and constituionally equal for two weeks now."

Some are worrying about a repeat incident. Central made a veiled insult about the way North was getting involved in "mechanical" interests. North then slapped Central. There was a stunned silence and South began crying. Central reportedly said, "It's okay sweetie, mommy's fine. Daddy just gets carried away sometimes." North then broke down crying and ran out into the winter night, saying that he was, quote, "Not the Campus that I used to be."

North and Central, however, are confident that they can put aside their differences for a quiet evening together.

"We are Campuses, and we are going to act civilized, because that's what a Campus does," North said, scratching at encrusted semen on his slacks.

Back