White Students With Black-Sounding Names Rejoice At Passage of Proposal 2
Parents rush to combine two white names, add two prefixes and a dash to newborns
"We’re just going to have to be really creative about this," remarked Paul Sullivan, director of admissions for Michigan State University. "If you can’t let people just check a box, we can do other things. Maybe we’ll ask the color and consistency of their hair, their favorite food, or their 40-yard dash time."
University administrators are also turning to the applicant's name.
"Names though… Names are really important to us,” Sullivan mused. “If we see a D’Qwell or a Selvin or a Ramonce... I don’t want to say ‘you’re in,’ but we do have your back."
Sullivan then winked repeatedly.
But the names loophole isn't foolproof. Some white men, luckily or unluckily, were graced with black-sounding name in their youth, and are now reaping the benefits.
"I thought I had absolutely no chance of getting into Michigan," said prospective freshman DeShaun Johnson, a white student from Bloomfield Hills and the unfortunate recipient of a name his clueless mother thought sounded good. "Basically, I was worried about being passed over because of the affirmative action policies, and now, affirmative action is working for me."
"It's a great day for white people with names that have an urban chill but are astonishingly white."
JeMike Night, a caucasian from Troy, Michigan, whose birth certificate was smudged with placenta, says he no longer begrudges the doctor for smearing the document.
"It's not so bad, being a JeMike, if it means Michigan will take me thinking I'm a black guy," said Night in an online interview held between rounds of World of Warcraft.
Thousands of white Luthers, Jamals, Jaysons, Bryans with Y's, Kels, Charles's, Lamarrs, and Georges have joined hundreds of DeLuthers, DeJamals, DeJaysons, DeBryan's with DeY's, DeKels, DeCharles's, DeLamarr's and DeGeorges and tens of DeJaKels, KenLaJaysons, DeLuthBryan's with Y's, and people with the name Mario Manningham, who deserve admission to anywhere they apply, by God.
Despite the near-guarantee of admissions, university administrators have already begun to counteract the shortfall by asking for a color Polaroid of an applicant's ass.
"We want to make sure the student body is as diverse as possible," defended E. Royster Harper, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions, of the decision, saying, "we want to make sure we grab the best asses from around the globe."
Jemike Night, whose pearly-white ass he considers a dead giveaway, has refused to include the Polaroid, hoping he can ride the wave of his black-sounding name all the way to matriculation.
Besides administrators, students have also taken up the fight to retain diversity at Michigan. In an effort to combat the new admissions policy, student volunteers have been sent out to profile the lives of minority students on campus, and instructed to send back their information to the application evaluants. Members of the administration hope that by figuring out how these students contribute to diversity on campus, they can change the admissions process to take those things into account without addressing the race of the student.
One of the students interviewed, Anthony Burton, a black LS&A sophomore, was asked to describe a typical week in his life.
“I go to class around 10:00am every day, come back to the dorm for lunch, and go back to class. Afterwards, I come home, grab some dinner, and go back to my room to study. On the nights I don’t have homework I usually just sit around and watch TV. When the weekend comes around, I get together with my friends, go out to whatever party I can find, and try to get laid."
"Without our Affirmative Action admissions, we may have never experienced the diversity that students like Mr. Burton bring to campus," President Mary Sue Coleman in a written statement. "Who else can say they share the same interests with what's-his-black-face?"
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