Christopher Talkin'

This week's advice column is written by noted character actor Christopher Walken. A seasoned veteran of the stage and screen, the bug-eyed Walken has recently been pigeonholed as a one-dimensional, bloodthirsty maniac. He hopes to combat such unfair characterizations by writing a fun weekly advice column. Let's see how he does.

Dear E3W, I'm a freshman in college, and I saw this cute senior guy. I found out that he was one of my peer advisers. At a meeting I walked up to him and we had a nice, short conversation. I found out that we had some things in common. I don't want to look too much into it, because maybe he was being nice because he has to. What can I do to befriend him, or should I even try to go after him? If I should try going after him, is it too early to call him? J.K. Stealing My Heart

Dear J.K.,

Your dilemma is understandable. It's like when you shoot a baby in the face--it's something you really want to do, but you only want to do it correctly. I'd recommend the following. Talk to your advisor again at some non-professional locale, the coffee shop, in the hallways or at a funeral-and continue your rambling, nonsensical chit-chat. During this tete-a-tete brainstorm of collegiate small talk, bring up the question of a significant other. If he is single, then ask him out to something first-datesy, but not romantic, like a hockey game, and if he says 'yes,' you're cooking!

However, if he is dating someone or says no, it's a different story. I'd recommend inviting him out to drinks. Then get him drunk and drag his body into an alley. Then bash his skull in with a baseball bat until his eyes pop of out their sockets and then shove him body into a garbage bag and toss it in the East River. And call. Calling's good, it establishes doubt. I mean, who'd call a dead guy, right?

Dear E3W, I just failed my second straight orgo exam and I don't think I'll pass the class. I come from a very strict Asian family where failure isn't accepted. I find myself on the edge, what should I do? Sum-Yung Guy

Dear Guy,

Sometimes...when I'm driving at night, I see another car approaching, in the other lane. And sometimes, just sometimes, I think of jerking the wheel real quick into the oncoming traffic. I can anticipate the crash. The sound of the shattering glass, the smell of the gasoline as it pours on my body still trapped in the mangled car frame. I can see the flames, shooting up into the sky, eating my flesh like millions of maggots devouring a fallen wildebeest. These are my dreams, my nightmares, my deepest, sexual fantasies...

I'm sorry, I got side-tracked for a moment, what was your question?

Dear E3W, I went home for Thanksgiving and had lots of fun, then I came back to school and became really depressed. I think I might have that seasonal disorder. The one where you get all depressed when the sunlight goes away. Do you think that's the case, or what? Depressed in the Highlands

I believe the actual medical term is seasonal depressive disorder, but that doesn't matter, because it's garbage. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. You're lying. You're a living, breathing example of why the government should be allowed to remove men's' genitals so they can't have children.

Because of you! Because stupid, retarded "I'm all sad" dumbfucks like you don't deserve to live. You disappoint me, Duane! You don't deserve to have the same standing in our world as I do. What? The temperature gets colder and there's a little less sunlight, you want someone to hold you? You need mom to keep you from being sad and crying in the dark? Well stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about you whiney little nothing! You're a freak, you're a loser! You would need three promotions to be an asshole you ungenius fuck! Here's a newsflash for ya, Michelle Kwan! The world isn't about sunshine and happiness and songs-it's about hate. And I'm here to reinforce that message! I have your address and phone number and the doctor is in, so get ready to take your medicine!

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