Kevin McCallister-style Boobytraps Expected To Be A Match for Hill Thieves
Dormers hope for Christmas break free of stolen iPods, iPod minis, iPod shuffles, iPod nanos, iPod paraphernalia
"We encourage each and every student on the Hill to lock their doors and close their windows to protect themselves from theft," said Sue Ecklan, Dean of Student Affairs. "Of course, that's assuming they first make sure to connect frayed, 200V electrical wires to their doorknobs. After all, the locked doors and windows are essentially ballast for the giant anvil that should be connected to the windowshutter."
Police in the Department of Public Safety held a meeting at each of the dorms describing the burglaries on the Hill over Thanksgiving break, warning students that these thieves are no myth.
"These guys weren't your average wash-up movie stars with a nothing to lose," said police chief Roland Wisefeld. "They were professionals, trained in the art of children's guerrilla warfare."
But officers speculated that the thieves most likely will enter the rooms with no more caution than before, giving the edge to residents in the ongoing war between the clever-witted student body and its inevitably dim-witted thief aggressors.
"I brought this gold tooth with me that we found at the crime scene," George Mays, a DPS officer investigating the burglaries, said, adding that the knocked-out incisor was an encouraging sign that "these thieves were mortal."
"I'll bet they won't even think twice before walking over our welcome mat, which covers a hole running into a pit of broken ornaments," said Chris Gainsville confidently of his booby traps.
Freshman Civil Engineer Dora Fry has patented a system by which all four walls of her dorm, when a burglar is present, will converge together, effectively crushing any potential thief into a small, tidy cube of meat.
"It should be delicious," said Fry, adding that she prefers "wet" to the "sticky" bandit cube.
DPS officers waved off speculation that the next wave of criminals might actually look around before entering the rooms and not be tempted to yank the ropes with the word "PULL" on them.
"Are you trying to tell me that these guys will just walk past a sign that says "Free Pie", even though there's an ominous shadow cast over it?" Wisefeld said laughingly. "Right, like they're going to just pass up pie. I suppose next you'll tell me that they won't pick up the hundred dollar bill that's sitting in the middle of the giant red X on the floor either."
The Christmas wave of robbery, the sequel to the Thanksgiving robberies, is expected to achieve new heights of wacky hilarity, with more ludicrously harmful injuries to thieves, as well as a higher take at the box office. A spring robbery has been discussed, but none of the original thieves have signed on to the project.
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