Exclusive Excerpts From If I Did It, by O.J. Simpson
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Dedication Page
I dedicate this book to God, who showed me the way to the on-ramp from Ventura Boulevard.
Movement I, Book I - In Which The Juice Finds Solace Beneath The Sunroof of the Bronco
Chapter 2
“Come in. Come in Buffalo One,” Capt. Orenthal "Juice" McSuperfly pleaded desperately into his communicator. He shook it vigorously and repeated his cry. His eyes popped out of his head.
“It’s no use, Captain, communications are down,” said his trusted sidekick.
Capt. Juice threw his communicator to the ground and it shattered into a billion pieces. He then turned his head to look at the two suns of the double-starred star system. He felt cool sweat drenching his afro. “I’m sorry you had to see that, Kato-tron 9000. I loved that communicator.”
“You are only human, Capt. Juice,” Kato-tron said with his stainless steel body and long blonde hair reflecting the bright sun rays into Capt. Juice’s bronzed face.
“We are on Alpha Centauri 4, a foreign planet just over four lightyears from home, communications are down. We can’t panic. We must keep cool.”
“You are forgetting, Captain, I am incapable of emotion.”
“Oh Kato-tron, you are more human than most people I know.”
“There is no need to insult me, sir.”
Suddenly, laser bursts began crashing down on Capt. Orenthal and his robot. Dune buggies flew over the dunes with the ease of vehicles perfectly suited to their terrain. The Captain and his trusted robot quickly dove for cover in the Bronco.
“LAPD-iens, Captain. Lots of them!”
“Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these motherfucking aliens shooting at my motherfucking Bronco. Shields!”
“They are inoperable.”
“Damn, we need to take off.”
“Do we have enough power?” Kato-tron asked, his nine metal arms flailing.
The Captain got his trademark grin on his face and quipped, “Trust me. We’ve got plenty of Juice.”
The LAPD-ien leader held out a proton-megaphone and announced, “Surrender McSuperfly! There is no use, we’ve already planted evidence!”
The LAPD-iens were hideous creatures. They had seven gray tentacles, all holding a nightstick or a laser gun. They had gray skin. And gray eyes. Scary ones.
“No deal, jive turkey.” Capt. Juice rushed from the cockpit to the engines with the speed of an NFL running back at the height of his career. He reactivated the turboboosters and with a bang of a billion cannons, the ship began to lift off.
Juice’s ‘fro-sweat was overbearing as he and Kato-tron watched and waited to see if they had the power to break through the planet’s gravitational pull. They waited and waited and waited and waited. After that, they waited some more.
Kato-tron said, “We made it.”
“Cool.”
Chapter 248
The Bronco cruised away at about 60 miles per hour. The hyperdrive was at maximum.
“How long have we been traveling, Kato-tron?” Capt. Juice asked.
“Just under twelve parsecs.”
He took a look at the control panel in front of him. “I don’t like the looks of our fuel levels. At this rate, we only have about half a parsec of flying time until we’re out of space gas. We should find a place to dock.”
“Isn’t your ex-wife’s spacehouse near?”
“Yes, she’ll be happy to see me. I haven’t seen her since she ended our abusive marriage, so she probably misses me.”
They pulled closer to his ex-wife’s spacehouse and saw her standing on the spaceporch.
“Starting docking procedures,” Kato-tron said as he took the wheel with his claws.
“She’s waving us in. You got room,” Capt. Juice said. He waved back at his ex-wife, standing right next to the port. “You’re coming in kind of steep now, Kato-tron. Back it off. Ease it up. Easy.” When Kato-tron didn’t ease up, Juice looked over at him.
“Error.”
Thump.
“Oh snap, what did you do Kato-tron?” Juice asked.
“I think I hit her.”
“I have to help her, come on!”
“Shouldn’t you put on your spacesuit?”
“No time!”
Juice opened up the door to the Bronco and ran out to his ex-wife. He yelled at Kato-tron through the thick vacuum of space. “Quick, give me your knife!”
“But why, Captain Juice?”
“I’m going to try to save her!”
“But I don’t think a knife is the best way to save someone…”
“What do you know, you’re just a machine!” Capt. Juice was shocked at his meanness. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“You forget, Captain, I have no feelings to hurt. Here is the knife.”
Capt. Juice went to work trying to save his ex-wife. He tried again and again to save her torso especially. He plead to her, “Come on, sucka, don’t you die on me.” He brutally tried to save her, but it wasn’t any use. She died.
“Should we call the space doctors?”
“Do what you want, I’m getting the fuck out of here,” Capt. Juice said.
Kato-tron came with him and again took the wheel. He put the spaceship in reverse.
Thump!
“I think I hit someone else.”
“Remind me to erase your memory circuits after this, Kato-tron 9000.”
Capt. Juice McSuperfly and Kato-tron 9000 laughed.
Movement II, Book XVI - In Which The Juice Disconnects From Reality
Chapter 14 - Lightning Rain and Firewater
Freedom ring loudly like jingleberry bells fromwhentence he mighta've seen Ol' Yellerbelly knife missus Smits, thur and hurr, dressed all lusciously over in sentimental. Glove is evolg is sdrawkcab why courhooses can carrycartycarcy meanderings here I go, we goonwardsforth, yea nomansland in virginal suicide, juiceblend nicely. Heisman, manheis = hot man fortuitously so. A twine in shoe, a shoe in show, betwixt the needlemongers and short-horn playfully dingle dangle jangle mangle. Flat-footed, says I, Cochrind, pit of the juicerator, histerectomized seed in Californicated lightshow splendid, now where's mah bookdeal sonny jymbo?
Chapter 37, Act IV, Scene 26
An iceberg floating through a foggy marsh. Two lampposts burn dully in the night. A bird call.
Mrs. Evianwater - The rooster will crow once more before dawn.
Regan - Maybe 'tis for the best. If I can cease to live before the jackalope canters forth with his rusty blade, then perhaps t'was meant so.
Xavier Cornwallis - Oh, and you wouldst have Zeus run his knife through the shield of Appolonius? The helm, sir! The helm is where 'tis needed most!
Regan - The squeezed orange knows more than he lets on.
Xavier Cornwallis - Be that as it may, I shall never show him my hand. For it is in the dam that the beaver grows callous.
Mrs. Evianwater - Forsooth, he speaks!
All run to the peak of the iceberg. A blinding light flashes and Juicerus rises from the snow.
Regan - And now, in the presence of all, say what thou knowest to be the truth!
Juicerus - I can not speak that which I knowest not.
Xavier Cornwallis - Tis but a lie! He treads the shallows of a life unbeknownst to peril. He hath never traps't the murderous realms of the Alam Gab, or born on his back the weight of the storms of Emmitan Gavitan! What knowest he of the truth?
Regan - And who are we to speak the truth that none hath spoken? Nay, I will not bury a man before he hath died. I can not tarry on this notion. I will not.
Xavier Cornwallis (aside) - Methinks this be an opportunity to show mine hand. I say, Juicerus, know'st thou of the bloody glove?
Juicerus - Sire, I can but speak of that which I knowest true.
Xavier Cornwallis - Aye, what for't?
Juicerus - M'lord, why, no gloves have I ever owned, for mine hands are worn by the sands of time, the grass of the field so worn, thou would'st not know to set thine feet upon't. For that reason alone, do I wear none such gloves as these of which you speak.
Regan - I will not know this shame! I can not! I shan't!
Xavier Cornwallis - Aye, but you shall Regan. For a man who be pitch as the eventide itself, guilt is most assuredly blessed b'fore trial be set. AWAY!
Exeunt.
Chapter 203 - What If? A Legend Ruminates on the Theory of Parallel Universes
I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it.
Chapter 468 - In Which The Juice Comes to Terms With His Position in This Current Universe
I did it.
Movement III, Book 12, Chapter 35 - Reliving The Experience Of Having Stood Over The Slain Bodies Of His Wife And Her Friend
And that's when I discovered the true meaning of Christmas.
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