Iraq's landscape annexed to resemble "peace" sign in time for holiday season
Mercedes-Benz to sponsor monumental remodeling of ancient Mesopotamia
“We thought it was one of the few ways each distinct group in Iraq could get it’s own, delegated living area, and also be cosmetically pleasing,” Gen. Norm Chaddett, the Army general in charge of air operations in Iraq, said of the maneuver.
“We think this will please all sects," added Chaddett, visibly blushing.
The plan has been hailed as a brilliant attempt to counteract the recent surge in sectarian violence in the region, which, the general believes, couldn't possibly continue as long as Iraq is reshaped into a symbol of love and brotherhood.
"That would break our hearts," said Chaddett, preemptively brushing away a small tear from his eye.
Sunnis will receive the bottom section of the large symbol of trust and humanity, while Shias loyal to Iran will favor the northwest section, and the peaceful, luckless Kurds will settle in the northeast.
The reorganizing of each sect will require that millions of aboriginal Iraqis be uprooted and resettled in different areas.
"We don't think they'll mind," claimed Chaddett, who said he's sure the Iraqis will "find it in their Christian hearts to forgive us."
The reshaping of Iraq's terrain and the creation of physical boundaries to look like a peace sign and are capable of being viewed from space will require a massive tactical bombing campaign to destroy the necessary earth and form the outline. These trenches or "Peace-divots" will be lined with barbed wire to place a shiny veneer on the already flawless project. General Chaddett says that the Army also hasn't ruled out a scorched-earth policy that will leave the soil ravaged beyond repair.
"We want to leave Iraq in as pristine and peaceful a state as it was when we arrived," said Chaddett, without a shred of irony. "As long as your average guy flying at about 10,000 feet will be able to tell it's a peace sign, then we're happy."
Terrorists in the region have already signaled their support of the proposed overhaul, and bombings all over Iraq have largely ceased.
"What we were really trying to communicate through all of our wanton destruction and violence is our desire for, and love of, peace, and of the peace symbol in particular," Muqtada Al-Sadr, the head of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, said of the plan.
"It was like you read our minds," added Al-Sadr, preemptively wiping a tear from the eye of a nearby mutilated corpse.
Mercedes-Benz has already signed on to pick up most of the tab for the cosmetic makeover of ancient Mesopotamia.
"We felt that this upheaval of a land of rich, sacred tradition and natural beauty was a perfect target for corporate sponsorship," said Mercedes chief spokesman, Jeff Ailes, who added that the only difficult part his company foresees "will be adding that small 'C' for copyright in the upper-left region."
"We don't want anyone ripping off of our designs on this country," said Ailes, who ominously added, "I'm looking at you, Iran."
President Bush has praised not only the ingenuity of the Defense Department, but also the foresight of Mercedes executives.
"We're very glad that these gentlemen have agreed to pick up the tab on this project. Obviously, they understand how important it is that Iraq appear peaceful," Bush said in a press conference.
"It's the best Christmas gift a president could receive," said Bush, preemptively wiping a tear from his eye.
However, leaked reports following the press conference showed that the president's tear was preemptively placed in his eye before the press conference, prompting calls for the president to resign in the wake of what journalists have dubbed "Lack-Of-Empathy-Gate."
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