Which gaming system should you buy, assuming you don't live in abject poverty?
By Little Billy Hopeman
I guess this is the time of year when the big video game companies are hoping to earn your shopping dollars with their new, fancy video game systems. But with all the money that you people have these days, you're probably wondering which system to buy. Well, I’ll be your man on the street--or better yet, your freezing, impoverished child on the street--giving you the angle on which system you should spend your hard-earned dollars on.
I don't know if I'm really qualified for this responsibility. The only video game I ever played was called Atari. The arcade was set-up at the day center for a while, but they took it away after a kid got bit by the raccoon they found living inside it. His name was Gerald, and he was my only friend. I can't remember what that kid's name was though...
But I won't waste your time. Let's start with the Sony PS3. It sure looks shiny--I can see my drooping, malnourished reflection in it. Wow, I'm down to just four teeth?
I can see from where I stand on this street that it's got some sort of slot or dispenser. Is that where vitamins come out?
Hold on, another coughing fit. Wow, I was hoping all that red stuff I kept hacking up was the ketchup I ate for lunch, but that one definitely had the cold, metallic taste of blood.
Anyhow, I have to say I am a little biased against the PS3. Best Buy gave me a job carrying large loads of these consoles out to their trucks, and they're heavy. I went numb from the waist down after doing that, but at least I made enough to pay back Old Man Crenshaw for that coal we borrowed.
On the good side, I was able to get about three dollars by playing against kids on the demo model at Target before security kicked me out. Unfortunately, Scraps McGee, the bully at the orphanage, beat me and took those three dollars, but my hazy, disjointed memory of the gameplay was definitely enjoyable.
Next, Nintendo’s Wii. This is the smaller of the two gaming systems, the kind of thing I could carry on my back if I wasn't already carrying the crushing weight of poverty.
I better add that I was only able to look at the box in the store display, so I may be wrong on this one. Gamestop wouldn’t let me in because I wasn’t wearing shoes (I think my shoes should count, but they said plastic bags held together with Twist-Ties was pushing it).
A sympathetic clerk at that Gamestop found me behind his shop, and, after giving me what little food he had, told me the main draw of the Wii is the revolutionary motion-based wireless controller. He said it records your hand movements and replicates them on the screen. This would probably be really neat if the bone in my right arm that Scraps McGee broke last year ever set, but I guess that’s what you get for not having health insurance, or for being so shabbily dressed that the doctors just kick you right out before even examining you.
I told him he should tell all his customers that burning the games for warmth produces noxious fumes that may cause headaches, nosebleeds, or coughing fits like mine, but he said, for some reason, he wasn't worried about that ever happening.
So which system should you buy, assuming you, unlike me and my family, don't constantly wonder where the next paycheck will come from? I personally couldn't make up my mind, maybe because my low blood sugar has impaired judgment and reasoning. I'll let the facts speak for themselves.
Anyway, I'd like to wish you all a very merry Christmas. I hope all those lucky kids enjoy playing their game systems. I'm sure they will. They always look so happy when I see them through the frost covered windows, by the fireside with their parents, playing with their expensive toys that they'll probably be thankful for and cherish forever. I hope you all enjoy your Christmas gifts, and remember that little kids like me will be happy just watching everyone play and have fun, even if we are standing out in the cold.
Please join me in the new year when I provide a guide to which dumpsters are best for finding worn-out video game systems, and which parts of your game system are edible if boiled! Merry Christmas everyone!
*Ed. Note--This sock donation was later rescinded after the corporation providing it was, ironically, shut down for child labor, and all of its products recalled.
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