12 Christians Released Following Ash Bash
pictures/stories/424.jpgAmid shouts of "stone them" and cries for crucifixion, the twelve Roman Catholics arrested during a raucous "Ash Bash" celebration last Wednesday were released from Ann Arbor City Jail. The infamous twelve were also fined 00 for their participation in the new-wave Christian party that turned sour last week.
"Traditionally Ash Wednesday occurs after 'Fat Tuesday' and marks the beginning of Lent," said campus preacher Marcus Adams. "It's normally a time of somber reflection and fasting, but I guess all these damned papists just don't know how to have a good time without burning some witches."
Rumors of an unusually well attended Ash Wednesday service coupled with extremely loud Bob Marley music exploded into a tense near-riot, as a crowd reefer-smoking thugs and Catholics began to spiral out of control. DPS was called into to remove the immoral people, and, once the Catholics were sent home, they also escorted the potheads off campus.
"Drugs, drinking, and women aren't things we like having associated with good, God-fearing Catholicism," stated life-long Catholic Ted Kennedy.
Carey Lowell's son, Billy, was arrested last week. "When the police called saying they had my Billy in custody because of Hash Bash I didn't know what to think. But when they told me he was arrested for taking part in Ash Bash I was so ashamed. It's one thing to have your child being suspected of being a reefer addict, controlled by drugs to do Satan's bidding-it's another to discover he's a Catholic! Oh, Allah (peace be upon him) what am I going to do?"
The "Ash Bash Apostles", as they are being called, contend that they are being punished excessively. "Look at what happened after the MSU riots," said John Walsh, one of the twelve, "no one was stoned, crucified, or otherwise killed in an extremely painful manner."
However, many analysts are confused by the Ash Bashers' argument. "What exactly does he mean, after the MSU riots?" asked sociologist Robert Benton. "Have the riots stopped or something?"
Local geek Rodney Stevens has a possible explanation. "It's as if he believes that East Lansing is not a war-torn no-man's-land inhabited by only the criminally insane, completely trashed, and a one-eyed hero named Snake. Someone's been watching a little too much science fiction. What's next, the Spartan basketball team beating the Wolverines by 50 points? Please."
Despite public outcry and repeated threats, the Ash Bashers remain free, unstoned (in at least the rock-throwing sense), and at liberty to inflict their savage brand of Jesus Pop Music upon the world at large.
However, thankfully for good Protestants everywhere, Bob Jones is scheduled to arrive in Ann Arbor on Thursday. Once here, he plans to smite the wicked, rend the unworthy, and enjoy the local baked goods after a job well done.
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