Indonesian Factory Celebrates Meaningless SOLE Victory

KUALA LUMPUR, INDONESIA-A spontaneous cheer erupted from the plant floor of the Nayakama Nike factory yesterday when news of the University of Michigan's entrance into the Worker's Rights Consortium (WRC) finally arrived on Indonesian soil. The cheer was immediately interrupted by the cracking of whips and the cries of the wounded, however, as the celebratory mood was quickly squashed by the crushing reality of life in Indonesia.

Some of the millions of underprivledged workers SOLE has completely failed to help.

"I had this strange feeling," said a floor worker who wished to remain anonymous. "It was like I felt my life was something other than punishment from an arbitrary and aloof God. I think it is called 'happy'?"

However, the worker's brush with contentment was exceedingly brief, as the area supervisor quickly called in the Nike Torture Team to restore order. "You! You turn frown upside down!" screamed the supervisor. "Not permitted! Frown stay down or lips removed!"

Workers all over the plant suffered similar fates during the brief moment of hope afforded them by the courageous efforts of SOLE, the student group which pressured the University into provisional, temporary acceptance of the WRC. SOLE members staged sit-ins in various offices of University officials over the past year, a fact which has impressed the Nayakama workers.

"A friend of mine was caught sitting last year," said another anonymous worker. "They amputated his buttocks so that he would not sit again. Doubtless countless SOLE members have also braved buttocks amputation in support of our noble cause. Truly these students are selfless heroes and not bored students attempting to rid themselves of liberal guilt. Truly."

The Nike Torture Team then immediately removed the anonymous worker's larynx for speaking.

Nike public relations officials attempted to maintain straight faces during a press conference called to discuss the University's entry into the WRC. "We are very, very concerned with this new wave of campus activism," said John Roberts as he tried not to laugh aloud. "I mean, really? no, seriously, we know that the dedicated efforts of a small group of people can change the world. No matter how much money the corporation they're opposing has. Really. We're trying to be serious here. Who's on first?"

The entire room then burst into spontaneous laughter before calming down once more and regaining a level of decorum, which was broken moments later by another round of guffawing.

Back