High Hidecki Found in Hotel with Hooker, Crack

Polls Shoot Skyward

MSA presidential candidate and ubiquitous campaigner 'Hi' Hidecki Tsutsumi was arrested this week for solicitation and possession of an illegal substance suspected to be crack cocaine following an undercover sting at the Plymouth Road Holiday Inn.

Tsutsumi claims the incident is a giant misunderstanding. "I merely asked a woman who appeared to be a sorority girl for her vote," he said. "How was I supposed to distinguish her from a hooker?"

Tsutsumi does accept some blame, however. "I have only been campaigning for office since December of '98," he said. "If I had started sooner, perhaps the young lady would have been more familiar with my 'Hi' Hidecki campaign slogan and not interpreted my greeting as some desire for sex and drugs. After all, I am a politician, and politicians don't go in for that kind of stuff."

Despite Tsutsumi's protestations, students across campus are seizing upon his recent run-in with the law as a major selling point. "Ever since '92, I associate two things with the word 'President': sex and drugs," said Rackham student Angela Robbie. "Hidecki can say 'hi' to my vote."

Polls taken immediately after news of the arrest broke show a healthy increase in Tsutsumi's support across a wide range of voters, from sex-starved geeks to misogynistic frat boys to zoned stoners. However, some students have been turned off by "High" Hidecki's antics.

"Drugs? Hookers? Hotel rooms? This is something we expect from our athletic department, not our student government," said shocked Engineering sophomore Jessica Brand. "Well, maybe that Hop on Chopp chick, but nobody else."

At an early morning press conference Hidecki friend and running mate Jim Secreto, an LS and A sophomore, stood by his friend. "Hidecki is a man of high morals. He has never once smoked crack in front of me. Well, once, but there were no hookers-wait, there was that one hooker?shit."

Secreto then paused and shuffled through a stack of note cards. After a painful, awkward silence, he finally continued: "Um, go blue! State is for cows and stuff. I am too tubular for you not to vote for me."

Despite the cocaine he purchased, incriminating videotapes and sworn depositions by 4 law enforcement officers, Tsutsumi still maintains his innocence. "One of the other candidates has assuredly framed me," he said. "They fear my friendly, outgoing message and amazing greeting powers, as well they should. Someday I will find the man who did this and greet him to death. Perhaps they will call me 'Hi-ya' Hidecki then."

At the bail hearing, Tsutsumi stood silently holding a sign which read "Hi Hidecki!! MSA President 2000! Not Guilty." The judge released him on 0,000 bond, but only after Tsutsumi had secured his vote.

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