Sweet Guy Available (But Not For Long!)

by John Anderson

Greetings dear readers. This week I digress from the witty and nonsensical comments normally appearing in this space to address a particular audience- the hot girl in my engineering class. Yes, you, the really, really good-looking girl, that sits at the end of the row, by the foreign guy that asks all those questions. Indeed his zany antics are something we all can enjoy.

Now I'm pretty sure someone like you, being that attractive and all, has a boyfriend. But I think you should give me a chance. Why? Well, apparently I'm "a sweet guy". At least that's what my attractive, female, platonic friends tell me. I mean sure your boyfriend may be a skillful love-maker who drives an expensive car, and routinely purchases items that I'll never be able to afford. But look, there's "a sweet guy" over here!

It's true, all the girls I've met agree. They also say I'm "nice" and "down to earth." This is all pretty crazy I know. I mean how could a guy like me, one who bought a book of poetry a few years ago and plans on reading it eventually, be available while that super-charged athlete of a boyfriend is currently dating a woman of your caliber?

Come on, I'm a sweet guy!

Sure he may be rich and on his way to a successful professional career, but isn't that cliche? Don't you get tired of hearing him talk about himself every night? You don't have to worry about that with me. It doesn't matter that my grades are low, a close friend recently passed away, and I may not be able to afford tuition next fall because my father recently lost his job at the old mill. I'd rather talk about YOUR problems. How's the cat? He's not still coughing up that jigsaw puzzle is he? I hope not. I worry about you and Mr. Meow every night. That's just how sweet of a guy I am.

Now I'm not saying your boyfriend's a jerk, but don't you get tired of going wind surfing with your rugged, Pierce Brosnan-esque date? Well, if you'd rather do something low key that's cool with me. And I'll tell you what. I won't drag you to some piece of crap movie that has Jean Claude Van Damm traveling through time. You make the choice. I saw a preview of Patch Adams once and it didn't look so bad. That's why my friends think I have "a good heart" I guess.

I think the point I'm trying to get to that you should totally dump your handsome muscular boyfriend and start hangin' out with me, the "sweet guy." But when you do, make sure it's for your own sake, not mine. I'm going to "find someone," at least according to the girls I know who consider me "too precious as a friend to ever think of in a sexual manner." So don't worry about this bag of sugar. I just thought you might enjoy an evening with "a sweet guy."

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