Kenyans Win 3rd Straight Naked Mile
3:37:06, 11 Shots Sets New Course Record
ANN ARBOR, MI-The unfamiliar atmosphere of drunkenness and nudity proved to be no obstacle for Kenyan miler Mamadou Ndungu at the annual University of Michigan Naked Mile on Friday. Ndungu, whose countrymen have dominated the event each of the past three years, won the race and set a new course record of 3 minutes, 37 seconds, and 11 shots of vodka. Although Ndungo committed a slight breach of etiquette by overtaking the men's crew team-the traditional leaders of the University's annual naked mile-in the first 200 meters of the race, the Ann Arbor community enthusiastically supported the grizzled, well-hung veteran and cheered wildly for him as he stumbled drunkenly across the finish line.
"Happy Arrrrrrbor here...to innnnnn...be Ann," slurred the drunken Ndungu as he stumbled across the finish line. "I ammm proud to represent my people in this gl-glorious event. Therrre are not mmmmany things that mmy people can truly dominate, however this-sweet sassy molassey, look at those tits!"
A 14-year old University tradition, the Naked Mile has long been a way for university students and perverts from across the globe to celebrate the end of the semester with excessive drinking, nudity, and gratuitous close-ups of genitalia you wouldn't want to look at unless you were excessively drunk. "Can you think of a better way to celebrate the end of a year of studying than to run naked in a single-file line with hundreds of strangers, getting fondled, and having it broadcast live on the internet?" asked sophomore Kinesiology student Anya Boynton.
However, recently the event has turned into a so-called "race" to see who could finish the mile the quickest. Kenyan international student Duando Chevet won the first official race three years ago, and since then the Kenyans have dominated the contest.
Chevet said the results are not particularly surprising. "The University of Kenya celebrates the end of every harvest semester with the Naked 27-Mile," said Chevet. "The event is always welcomed, as the ability to free yourself from shorts will often cut a Kenyan's overall weight by 20 or even 30 percent."
The track and field fan in the United States, Robert Hopper of Tulsa, Oklahoma, believes that the Kenyans' invasion of the Naked Mile was inevitable. "They've dominated almost all of the naked distance events in any track and field competition for years now," said Hopper. "In fact, they swept last year's Nude Olympics at Princeton. It only makes sense that they'd send some of their best here to dominate our tradition."
Despite, or perhaps because of, the Kenyans' success, several factions of the Ann Arbor community are not happy with their arrival on the Naked Mile scene.
"I do not find them erotic in the slightest," said Josh Cawhill, a portly 27-year-old who lives with his parents. "If this continues I will have to abandon my seventeen-camera setup and go back to Japanese plant-rape comics."
Cawhill then adjusted his "Dragonball Z" T-shirt and resumed his lesbian cybersex session with another portly man claiming to be a nubile 16-year old from California.
The men's crew team is also upset with the Kenyans. "It's fine for them to get some play," said Peter Wilson, "but all the girls see that thin, waif-like figure he's got and badger him for dieting tips for hours. Don't Kenyans know how to share?"
Chevet admitted that Kenyans do not. "We are unfamiliar with the concepts of sharing because they tend to require ownership of things," he said.
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