Ford Introduces New Excrement SUV
Company Modestly Proposes Use of Vegans as Fuel
DETROIT, MI-Ford Motor Company announced yesterday that it will begin construction of what it calls "the best summer-fun truck yet," the Excrement. The new truck, which will be the largest ever built, continues the line Ford began with the Explorer, the Expedition, and the Excursion. Ford plans to begin selling Excrements in early June.
The Excrement-continuing Ford's quest for the ever-more-fucking-ludicrously-large truck-is outlandishly large, covering nearly an eighth of an entire city block. Over 20 people can comfortably ride in an Excrement. Interestingly, most trips of less than two miles can be accomplished merely by entering on the driver side and exiting the passenger side.
New commercials for the Excrement are already airing on TV: "I just love pullin' up to a stoplight next to a carload of hotties and chillin'-just sitting there in my Excrement," says one. Another proclaims "Just think of how jealous they'll be of your bloated, swollen Excrement."
However, with a truck this stupendously fucking large and fuel-inefficient, the newly-ecologically-conscious Ford has taken preemptive steps to avoid media crucifixion. In order to meet the demands of both people complaining about rising gas prices and vocal ecological activists, Ford has retooled the Excrement's engine to run on an exceptionally clean-burning fuel source.
"After extensive study of the cleanest-burning fuels, we discovered that the best fuel is one we have in our own back yards: vegans!" said Ford researcher Dale Schwitter. "I was thinking about this organic-foods girl I took out to dinner once, man, she was this total angry bitch. Sniping at me for ordering meat and dairy products-then the vegan idea just came to me, out of the blue."
Vegans, Ford found, strive to keep their bodies free of harmful chemicals and toxins that might be released upon combustion, which coincidentally makes them a perfect fuel source. "The typical vegan tries to keep itself clean and free of preservatives and other chemicals in an effort to live healthily," said Schwitter. "This makes them perfectly safe to burn without fear of groundwater contamination."
"They burn very cleanly and are completely non-toxic, not to mention that in our field tests, we've been able to get upwards of 40 miles per vegan on a regular basis. And that's city-driving! This VD has been very exciting for all of us to share," Schwitter continued, referring to Ford's Vegan Drive.
The new engine is emphasized in another new Ford ad: "Nothing could be faster than to have a little VD in your Excrement-just watch them race to get out of your way!"
Ford plans to continue its "X-Line" of gargantuan trucks by producing the Eczema this September, which will be somewhat sickly and repulsive. The Ex-Girlfriend will come along in 2001 and is slated to include a porno library, storage for several kegs of beer, a small pool, and two sorority chicks for body-comfort.
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