Future-Predicting Monkey Just Wants to Eat Bananas
SAN DIEGO, CA-Keepers at the San Diego Zoo were amazed last week when they discovered that one of their monkeys has the uncanny ability to predict future events. However, the monkey, who has been assigned a variety of nicknames from "Monkdini" to "Clairvoyant George" to "Monkey Dionne Warwick," seems reluctant to embrace his newfound celebrity. He has so far resisted attempts to push him into the limelight by hiding in his pen and warning ambitious zookeepers that he is if forced out, he sees a face-full of monkey urine in their futures.
"Monkdini's" supernatural abilities were first discovered several weeks ago, when he warned zoo officials that Sheba the tiger would attempt to escape from her cage by donning a red bandana, periodically shouting "They're Grrrreat!" and eating the zookeeper. Two days later, when Sheba was caught at the main gate trying to bum a cigarette off of an astute security guard (who remembered from Tony The Tiger's autobiography, Frosted Flake: A Tiger's Story, that the real cereal mascot had given up smoking years ago), Monkdini was hailed as a hero-a future-predicting monkey hero.
"Everyone here thinks it's just incredible," said Rusty Walpole, a zookeeper in the monkey-house, "Up till now, we thought he was just another monkey who wore a big sorcerer's cap and spoke in an upper-class English accent-who could have predicted this? Well, who other than a future-predicting monkey."
Celebrated monkeyologists across the world have hailed Monkdini as a natural wonder. "It's really an amazing biological phenomenon," said Bernard Weintraub, celebrated monkeyologist. "I mean, this is nothing like the sheep who could travel through time, or that wombat that could recite The Canterbury Tales in Esperanto, or the bullfrog that could tell you the exact nutritional value of any food, anywhere in the world. This is something totally different-I would have sex with that monkey in a minute."
Monkdini himself, however, has shunned this unsolicited storm of publicity, longing for the peaceful simplicity of the non-psychic monkey's life. Speaking to the press briefly on Wednesday, Monkdini pleaded with reporters just to leave him alone.
"I'm just a monkey," he said. "A monkey that can predict the future. All I ask for is a little peace and quiet, plus a few bananas to munch on every day. I never wanted to be some fortune teller, or a celebrity, or a symbol of hope for all those who fear the stormy expanses of time, that dark, mysterious continuum invisible to the eyes of most primates in which the internet is overrun by Swedish perverts who flood the network with reindeer porn, in which all of Lake Erie is ceded to the Canadians in the surprise sequel to the War of 1812, in which dolphins develop superhuman intelligence but use it only to score with human supermodels. I implore the public: please, just leave me to my bananas."
After a moment of silent reflection, Monkdini added, "I like bananas."
Despite Monkdini's impassioned plea, it seems unlikely that he will find blissful anonymity any time soon. "Bottom line here," said Adrian Malone, Monkdini's keeper, "is that we have a very bad little monkey on our hands, and I have a lot of gambling debts on my hands. So if I don't have a monkey that agrees to play 'Rainman' for me when I go to Vegas next month, there'll be hell to pay. Monkey hell."
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