Obligatory Freshman Welcome Letter
Hello Freshmen,
Let me be one of the first and most insincere to welcome you to the University of Michigan, the poor man's Harvard, the rich man's safety school, the middle income man's means of acquiring pseudo-sophistication. Let me also be one of the first to congratulate you on finishing at or near the top of your class. Of course if you consider the fact that you were the product of an American Public School system where 65% of graduating seniors think that the first rule of motion is "don't talk about motion," and where 27% of those students think that Columbus discovered Ohio and its capital of Indiana. So perhaps this achievement isn't so astounding. But it's worthy of mild praise nonetheless.
Now, before we get into the nitty gritty of school essentials, take a moment and look around you. You are surrounded by greatness. Here at Michigan we make leaders of tomorrow, today-using the ideals and passions of yesterday, and you'll get your tuition bill the first Monday after the third week of classes. We have a proud past of Wolverine greatness. Acting legend James Earl Jones, consummate attorney Clarence Darrow, and sexually ambivalent housekeeper Ann B. Davis have all set foot on this fine campus. But don't worry if you don't fit into the "successful" category, our alumni list also boasts child murderer "Dickie" Loeb and grown-up murderer Ted "Unabomber" Kaczinski, and former Pittsburgh left-fielder Jake Maclamore who batted .097 for the Pirates at the start of the 1974 season then preceded to die of a massive brain hemorrhage while sitting on a toilet just after being sent to Knoxville to rejoin the club's minor league affiliate.
Here at the University, you might have noticed how there seems to be tension between some of the many New Yorkers and some of the Midwesterners who attend this college. The Midwesterners think the New Yorkers are a bunch of snobby, rich kids who weren't smart enough to get into Harvard, Princeton, or even Brown-and come here begrudgingly. And the New Yorkers think that the locals are simple-minded wheat-eaters who know very little about the world around them. Well let me settle this issue once and for all. Yes, there are some people from New York who are pretentious snobs, leaching off the accumulated wealth of their family name. On the other hand, there are some Midwesterners that make Gomer Pyle look like James Bond. Let's not judge each other on generalities, and base our hate on distinct, personalized characteristics. Hating someone because of his or her place of origin is iniquitous and stupid. Find something substantial and akin to the specific person to base your hate on-it's the way of a pseudo-ivy-league school.
You're at such a school. Savor it, but be cautious. While exploring these first few days, you'll be told to trust your roommates and become acquainted with those around you. Big mistake. The people who get you in the most trouble are your friends. In fact, here at the University of Michigan no one is to be trusted. The curve is already being set. Insane paranoia is what will get you through these next four years, and the rest of your life. So grab your books, hide under your desk with a pointy pair of scissors and make sure no one's peeking. Sleep with the lights on, not the halogen kind because they're evil. Welcome to U of M.
Back