Basement Society Removed From Michigan Union
Bollinger's remarks came only after protesters made the society infamous for its denigration and mistreatment of the Italian culture. The secret guild, known only as "Little Caesar's" (a name derived from a figure that plays a prominent role Roman/Italian culture) was shut down and forcibly removed from the Michigan Union after a seven-week sit in by the Mediterranean Culture Consortium.
"It was a hard seven weeks," said MCC leader Armani Mussolini. "Many of us were forced to eat their unhealthy, racist foodstuffs to survive. I myself am scheduled for triple-bypass surgery on Tuesday. Nonetheless, we are victorious."
"Little Caesar's was a constant reminder of racial hatred and the persecution of Italian Americans throughout our nation's history," said professor of Italian-American Studies Al Callivicci. "[Italians] have been subject to baseless hatred which can be seen from the early mistreatment of Italians in 1890's sweatshops to the racist Sacco-Vanzetti verdict to, most recently, the constant Mafioso-stereotype perpetuated by The Sopranos. Compound this with distasteful team names such as the Arizona Dagobacks and the popularity of Judge Wopner and you can see that the Italian community has been systematically mocked and molested throughout its North American history."
The Caesar society, which has existed for over thirty years, adorned its clubhouse with images of an ugly Italian in stereotypical ancient garb wielding a stick hocking pizza. Spokesmen would occasionally release formulaic, low-intelligence statements such as "Pizza, pizza" to further mock the entire culture.
When this denigration wasn't enough they turned to peddling garlic bread and other stereotypically Italian foodstuffs in an effort to raise money to perpetuate their cause. After months of protests the society was finally asked to vacate the Union, but even after their departure, the stench of prejudice-with a strong undercurrent of low-quality mozzarella- emanates from the abandoned location.
Despite the Little Caesar's exodus, however, many of the other Union occupants carry on with equally bigoted views. One group derides pre-pubescent red-haired freckled-faced girls by using one as a spokesperson for national livestock genocide Another attacks the living conditions of the nation's underground transportation system dwellers by providing the rich and pampered with the food those destitute souls so dearly need. All is done in assembly line fashion, an obvious mockery of the Fritz Lang worker's rights testament Metropolis.
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