National IFC Convention Demands More Respect, Tits
National Interfraternity Council President Trent Johnson is worried about the stereotypes that most people associate with fraternities and the Greek system in general. This week, in an address to fellow IFC members at the inaugural National Interfraternity Council, Johnson cautioned that fraternities face the stigma of being lazy, Abercrombie and amp, Fitch wearing, alcohol obsessed party freaks.
"People see us as coddled SUV-driving chauvinists, whose sole focus is in getting laid in between keggers," said Johnson as he leered suggestively at a blonde sauntering by. "It's totally untrue. I drive a Lexus. And not an SUV Lexus mind you, one of the cheap ones." After pausing to comment on a tightly woven sweater, he continued, "Although many of our brethren describe this stigma as 'accurate' and 'an exact explanation of reality', there's much more to a fraternity."
The event, conceived during a drunken Animal House/Ass Masters IV matinee at the Omega house, is the fi rst of its kind. Organizers hope it will allow different fraternities from different parts of the world to help each other, exchange ideas, and get laid between workshops. One goal of the conference is to improve the overall image of fraternities through community outreach and local service programs. Another aim is to reduce the number of people who die at their parties.
"We discovered a great new way to virgin auction fund raise," slurred Mississippi State junior and alpha-lambda-tau member Jeff Ronson at the alcohol-choosing workshop. "Plus we shared secrets on how to get chicks more drunk so they'll show us their racks! Headlights! Headlights! Go ALTs!! YEAHH!"
"People have the wrong ideas of fraternities," commented fraternity historian Scott Summers. "Many see them as a danger, and fear them irrationally--much like alcohol or venom apes. However, like alcohol and venom apes, they serve an important role in the college community. Without them, drinking-related deaths would plummet, campus fi res would decrease, and our overpaid college athletes would have nothing to do after winning games." Summers continued, "If it weren't for fraternities and the subliminal sexual danger they pose, programs such as SAPAC, Safe Walk and University Legal Services would probably be discontinued due to lack of use."
After the three-day convention, everyone was bailed out of jail and organizers began planning the next convention, to be held at Penn State in March. "Dude, you know what we need up in here? What we need in this piece is hard cider and some fuckin' Limp Bizkit," said junior Mike Lambkins. "Yo Eric put some money in my Yankees cap and pass it around, let's get this convention started!"
Back