Republican Slips; Experiences 'Compassion', 'Humanity'
College Republican Reese Allen was released from the University Medical Center early this morning with a clean bill of health. He was discharged only eleven hours after complaining of odd sensations in his chest cavity.
"I didn't know what it was," commented Allen who experienced what he thought were heart palpitations while walking home after a hearty meal at the Gandy Dancer with a big tobacco lobbyist. "I was walking because my Jag was in the shop, and I refuse to drive the Beamer in public. I saw this fi lthy little girl on the street and I assumed she was just one of the poor people I couldn't put behind bars for being poor. But then I realized she was begging for spare change so she could get something to eat before McDonald's closed."
Allen remembers thinking the girl didn't need his help or the help of government programs. He was about to dismiss the girl who could have obviously helped her-self had she really wanted to, when he says that he 'felt' something overcome his normally cold exterior. "Some-thing just happened inside of me, and this 'rush' of stuff just came out. It was like one second I'm Alex P. Keaton, the next I'm Tina Yothers."
Allen's private healthcare specialist, Dr. Harry Smith, said "I'm fairly certain the feelings Mr. Allen describe are consistent with blood warming up his stodgy, ice-cold, right-wing heart. His supposed cardiac palpita-tions were actually the beating of his heart. I guess it just hasn't worked for so long, when it started back up, it startled him. I think this is the fi rst time he felt 'sorry' for someone. Many conservatives confuse this feeling with that of a heart attack or other conditions. Often they're just coked up from a George W. Bush theme party, or they're really excited after beating up a gay soldier."
Allen was raised by his single-mother, who attends night classes at a local community college and went on welfare to feed her hungry family and became "a burden to hard-working Americans." He became a conservative republican some 10 years ago after his brother 'chose' to be gay, and takes offense to the accusation that he and others in his party don't have empathy for others. "I care about a lot of people," retorted Jones, "especially Douglas Breckridge, manager of my 401K."
Still, Allen remains uneasy. "The doctor suggested therapy but I don't know," he said. "I guess I'll just go home, pop in a tape of the Vietnam War, and read about an execution in The National Review.
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