39 Russians Die in Horrible Falling Down Accident

MOSCOW, RUSSIA-Russia's "Black August", during which 112 sailors died aboard the submarine Kursk, 11 people died in a Moscow bomb attack, and 3 people died in a fire in the Ostankino television tower, has apparently extended into September. This time, close to 40 people are dead after falling down in the middle of Moscow.

According to the Russian news source Itar-Tess, some 50 people, all old women, were standing in one of the numerous breadlines that riddle the city's streets. It was nearly midday when something, perhaps a strong wind, blew an old lady over. She grabbed onto someone who in turn pulled down another person and so on, until most of the line was sprawling on the ground.

British counting experts estimate some 43 women fell down initially-however, these figures cannot be confirmed since some of those who had fallen might have gotten up on their own power. Most of the people who had fallen were so old and weak that they could not get up and required the assistance of others around them.

Russian officials could not get to the starving, immobile elderly people in time. "It's just a matter of manpower," stated Russian Task Force manager Vyacheslav Loseva. "We knew that there were people in need of help. However our police, fire fighting and emergency crews are so under funded and in such disarray that we could not organize an effort to help these people stand up."

Many policemen surrounded the helpless elderly citizens but refused to help without explicit instructions, blaming the new bureaucracy for the inaction. Hundreds watched in horror as the government rejected help from British, American, and Swiss tourists who wished aid in the effort to help the pathetic women to their feet. Even 48 gallons of Häagen Das airlifted from Bavaria were refused. After 14 days without food, water, or help, the women died on the street.

"This is indeed a senseless tragedy," declared Russian President Vladimir Putin at a resort in the Netherlands while judging a bikini contest. "I can't help but think it was democracy that crumbled our once feared and powerful nation to this mass of unorganized, worthless shit. I mean we couldn't save our boys trapped on the Kursk, we can't put out fires, we couldn't protect those who died in the railway bombing some 4 weeks ago-now we can't even help out old ladies who fall on the street. This inadequacy obviously calls for bold, new economic reforms to revitalize our non-existent economy. Thanks a lot, capitalism. "

Loseva agrees. "It's capitalism's fault. Now our old women want food in their bellies just like American Donald Trump and J.R. Ewing."

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