France Admits Homosexuality
PARIS, FRANCE-- Ending years of awkward speculation by neighbors, allies, enemies and neglected ex-girlfriends, the second largest country of Western Europe finally built up the courage to confirm what most of the world had suspected for centuries: France is gay.
In a press conference Tuesday morning, Prime Minister Jacques Chirac explained his country's controversial announcement: "France is not becoming gay. France has always been gay, and always will be gay--haven't you seen Moulin Rouge?" Chirac adjusted his Yves Saint-Laurent codpiece then continued. "But after three months of counseling, the French collective has decided to go public with this. Not only is our great nation defined by Libert and eacute, and Equalit and eacute,, but Sodom and eacute, and Bugger and eacute, --basically, a whole lot more Fraternit and eacute, than you thought." At that, Chirac proceeded to unveil a new pastel version the French flag as Gloria Gaynor herself was on hand to debut France's new national anthem, I Will Survive.
Although the official announcement sets a new standard in geopolitical openness, many nations had already considered France's homosexuality a foregone conclusion. In fact, the US State Department had upgraded France to exclusive "Flamboyant" diplomatic status in the mid-seventies, above the more ambiguous "A Little Too Friendly" category occupied by Spain and Norway, the "Talks About Clothes Too Much" grouping of Italy and Greece and the "Am I Paranoid, Or Was He Just Flirting With Me?" class of which Portugal is the only member.
Still, France remains the largest landmass to make such open overtures since England suggestively dubbed Elton John "Minister of Sequins" in 1988.
It remains unclear, however, what authority this announcement carries for French possessions and protectorates. Marcellin Lubeth, president of Guadeloupe, regarded Chirac's words with reservation. "Logically, this would suggest that Guadeloupe and other lands that are kind of French are now also kind of gay." Lubeth shuffled uncomfortably. "Not that I have a problem with that. It's just that we've been getting some pretty weird vibes from Haiti lately, and if they hear about this--well, they might start getting the wrong idea. I mean, Haiti's really nice and all, but we got into this kind of situation with Martinique a few years ago, and suffice to say, a lot of feelings were hurt." Lubeth shook his head. "They still haven't returned my Madonna records."
Diplomatic appearances aside, perhaps no one has sensed France's leanings more than foreign visitors. UM student Jeffrey Wilkinson's suspicions were aroused during his semester abroad in Fall of 2000. "To tell you the truth, this whole gay thing cleared a lot of things up for me. I mean, think about how many obviously homoerotic things are central to French culture--baguettes, and eacute,clairs, men named 'Jean'--oh, and don't get me started on bidets. I don't even want to know the truth about that." Wilkinson shivered slightly. "But that doesn't change how I feel about the country. It's still the same old France. I mean, I don't think we should act any differently around it, or try to set it up with that great-looking dancer who lives in 4F. France is a fabulous country with a really cool language and history, and we should all appreciate it for what it is, not its sexual orientation."
Wilkinson paused for a moment. "Still, I can tell you right now that I'm never going near that Eiffel Tower again." Wilkinson winced in disgust. "That's just gross."
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