US Conflates Marginal Holidays

December 7^th Now Marks Pearl Arbor Day

In an effort to spark interest in two of our nation's most ignored holidays, Congress has passed a law combining Pearl Harbor Day and Arbor Day into a single spectacular day of Naval base-bombing, tree-planting fun. "Most people will tell you that a tree holiday celebrated on the last Friday of April and the remembrance of thousands of soldiers have nothing in common," said Pearl Arbor Day lobbyist Gerald Atkins.

"Both days have fallen into almost total obscurity, however, and we hope by combining them we can inject some life into both. Pearl Harbor Day may have been a day that lived in infamy, but with any luck, Pearl Arbor Day will live in famy." Atkins paused." Which is the opposite of 'infamy.' Which is bad. Therefore 'famy' must be good. Right?"

As Atkins delivered his historic announcement, a new Pearl Arbor Day Senate committee was confronted with the formidable task of establishing credible ties between the two totally independent holidays. Several possible solutions have been proposed thus far. One suggestion involves uprooting several hundred trees then dumping into the ocean off the coast of Hawaii. "With is so much attention given to the soldiers who have died in American military conflicts, people tend to forget the thousands of innocent trees that died right along with them, gladly giving their lives to defend our country from invasions of elite beaver commandos," explained environmental activist Mary Sanchez while clasping a large box of tissues and holding a commemorative handbook printed with poisonous ink on laminated, non-recyclable paper. "Damn you, Agent Orange! Damn you!!"

Still, despite ongoing debates over the proposed suggestions, experts project that the new holiday will be observed much like the two days were previously celebrated, with "a few weirdoes who really care doing something big and loud, and pretty much everybody else sitting at home and doing nothing."

Some have been displeased with the merger. "This isn't the first time they've screwed us out of a holiday by combining two of them into one," said one angry opponent of the decision. "Sure, it was nice when 'Green Beer Day' and 'Drunkenly Stomp an Irishman Day' became 'St. Patrick's Day,' and then when Jesus' Birthday and 'Screw Jesus, Where're my Toys Day' became 'Christmas.' But last year's observation of 'Halloweaster'--celebrating the resurrection of Jesus by dressing up as ghouls and begging for candy the way hundreds of crucifixion victims begged for an end to their painful agony--was a disaster. I heard next year the government is planning on creating 'Fat Valentine's Day,' where lovers give their partners candy so that they can stare at it longingly during their 40-day fast in observance of Lent. And the city of Ann Arbor's considering a 'Naked Hash Mile.' Basically instead of running a mile, former Hash Bash participants just run around looking for a Denny's and trying not to get a job."

Meanwhile, others remain enthusiastic. "They're giving us a day off for Pearl Arbor Day? That's great!" remarked Gil Jacobs, while describing how he'd take advantage of the newly christened occasioned. "I guess I'll just have to go get bombed at the bar and try not to hit any trees on my drive home."

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