Bush Enjoying New Seat at Popular Presidents' Lunch Table

Lincoln, Washington offer him IM softball forms

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Since September 11^th, President Bush's rising popularity has demonstrated itself repeatedly through his increasing power on Capital Hill, and his formidable influence on the Republican campaign trail. Now Bush has taken the most important step in his presidential career: the move to the popular presidents' table in the White House cafeteria at lunch.

It began on September 12^th, the day after the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. Bush had just picked up his tray of spaghetti, tater tots, and 2% milk, and was about to sit down in his usual place.

"George [Washington] starts waving me over to his table," Bush said, "and I was like, 'Me?' and he just grinds those wooden teeth and nods. So I go over, and he's like, 'Dub Man, you've done a sweetass job rallying the country. We're totally impressed.' And then has asks me to sit down. Can you believe it? George Washington--the coolest president--asking me to sit with him? And it was Dub Man, instead of that stupid nickname [Unqualified Nepotistic Moron]! I was like 'no way,' and he was like 'way.' And I was like 'no way' and he was like 'I never tell a lie.' And I was like 'mondo killer sweet!' He just looked at me weird for a minute after I said that, but then I sat down and we were cool again.'"

Since then, Bush has remained the 'life' of the cool presidents' table every day at lunch.

"I'd be lyin' to say I'm not a bit jealous," said Jimmy Carter, a geek-table mainstay. "The cool presidents are always asking his opinion on steel tariffs and such. You know, I got a lot of experience on steel tariffs--" Carter was cut off when he was beaned by a spit-ball launched by Theodore Roosevelt. "Nice one, Teddy," Carter whimpered, "Real nice shot."

Carter isn't the only former president feeling left out. "Now that he's got all of his new friends, he's completely ignoring us," said Great Depression era President Herbert Hoover. "I see him in the hall and try to invite him to trade "Magic" cards, but he just keeps walking, or pretends like he has something in his eye." A single tear ran down hiss cheek, "But I know he doesn't have anything in his eye." After a moment, Hoover began to bawl uncontrollably, "He was my only friend!"

Bush has even shunned George Bush, Sr., an older boy who used to serve as a role model for Bush's former coterie of outcasts, often meeting them behind the locker rooms with gifts of cigarettes and liquor.

"I used to be a hot shot around here," said Bush, Sr., visibly intoxicated and wearing a "Beaver Patrol" mesh-backed baseball cap. "After I beat up Saddam by the flagpole that one day, everybody wanted to be my friend. But pretty soon they started ignoring me, and just moved onto the next dork, to chew him up and spit him out. And it'll happen to George [Jr.] too!"

Bush himself however, remains unapologetic. "You know, it's like Jack [Kennedy] was telling me--you can't hang out with the Arthur Millers if you want to be in with the Marilyn Monroes. Or was it that you have to hang Arthur Miller if you want be in Marilyn Monroe? Unless you're Joe Dimaggio, and then only if you don't have Lou Gehrig's disease, or something."

After a thoughtful moment, Bush added, "I hope there are fish sticks for lunch today."

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